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Sweets for Sour Company

Author: 
Anonymous
(A Khajiit Song of Insults)
 
Walker, when you wander
Through furless lands off yonder
Keep a little sugar for the road
There's plenty sour to be strowed
 
Beware a jaunt to Cyrodiil
The people there will make you ill!
The drabbest folk in all the Empire
And that includes the Black Marsh mire!
 
What should you expect from Morrowind?
Bug-breathed slander behind each grin!
But if you find a Dark Elf fetching
A bit of sugar will quell the retching!
 
Expect no warmth in the snowy mounds of Skyrim
You'll find all their hearths and wits quite dim
The only thing thicker than a Nord man's pride
Is a tie between his skull and bride!
 
When the bald ones push you to the brink
Smelly shaveskins? Take a nip!
Add a pinch of sweetness to your drink
Crook-tailed clawless? Another sip!
Slug-tongued mange-licker? That's a swig!
Hands off my sweetroll, northern pig!
 
The sweat-drenched sands of Hammerfell?
My friend, you've never known such smells
The only ones interested in fragrant Redguard culture
Are the flocks of circling vultures!
 
Don't try scratching trees in Valenwood
Tiny weeds will spring from where you stood
To bite and chew and claw your craw
Until your ankles bleed naked and raw
 
Should you brave the cliffs of High Rock?
Only if you fancy hearing Bretons squawk
Nothing there but rain and fog
And the lingering stink of wet dog
 
When the bald ones push you to the brink
Snoutless flat-tooths? One more round!
Add a pinch of sweetness to your drink
Graceless hammertoes? Gulp it down!
Drooling mongrels? Time to chug!
Haunch-sniffing arse-wallows? Drain your mug!
 
The ivory shore of Summerset?
Sopped in salty tears of High Elf regret
It's far too hard to enjoy nature so sublime
When all you hear is their nasal whine
 
What's there to say about Black Marsh?
That the wildlife there is somewhat harsh?
That the ground is nothing but mushy slop?
Or that the maggot is their biggest crop?
When the bald ones push you to the brink
Waning cane-suckers? Break out the wine!
Add a pinch of sweetness to your drink
Oafish hind-draggers? That's not yours it's mine!
Ungroomed muskarses, there's the rub!
Baandar's Mercy, where's my tub?
Ziss'vo!