A Faulty Foundation: Part I


Released In:

This Critical Role one-shot was created in collaboration with Zenimax Online. It aired on YouTube on August 21st, 2021. You can access the video here.

Although A Faulty Foundation is one long video, we have chosen to separate it into two parts of transcription, split at the location of the video's commercial break.


INTRODUCTION

MARISHA: Welcome! Whoa! To our very special second installment of our one-shot collaboration with our friends at Bethesda and ZeniMax Online Studios in their 2021 release, Elder Scrolls Online: Blackwood. It's kind of like a one-shot trilogy. We could've probably named it better at the beginning, to be totally honest.

SAM: Three-shot.

MARISHA: It's a three-shot. Yeah, so welcome to this second of this three-shot. If you're watching this for the first time, don't stress, the first episode is available right now on our YouTube channel, so you can catch up afterwards, and if you saw the first one, welcome back. We're doing this again. It's going to be fun.  If you've been following along with our ESO content, you know that the Gates of Oblivion year-long adventure is in full swing, and the Blackwood chapter is now available on all platforms. It is optimized for the Xbox Series X, S, and PlayStation 5, and is on sale for the first time right now. There is a free trial currently happening for the base game, which ends on August 30th. Tonight's one-shot is airing alongside Bethesda's 26th annual QuakeCon--

ALL: Ooh!

MARISHA: Special.

SAM: 26th?

MARISHA: 26th.

LAURA: That's a lot of Quake.

SAM: Jeez louise.

MARISHA: That's what's on the sheet. We welcome you to join in all the fun, and please check out everything Elder Scrolls Online at http://elderscrollsonline.com/buy. at http://elderscrollsonline.com/buy.

SAM: Oh, that's easy.

MARISHA: Yeah, buy it.

SAM: Buy.

MARISHA: Purchase it.

SAM: B-U-Y.

MARISHA: B-U-Y.

SAM: Yeah.

MARISHA: Yeah, not like "Bye." We are back with a returning cast. Let's go around and introduce ourselves, starting with Michelle.

MICHELLE: Hello, my name's Michelle Nguyen Bradley. I'm so excited to be here and to hear someone say the http part of a URL with the slash, I don't even know what those things are called. Colon?

LAURA: Colon slash--

MICHELLE: Colon, colon. I never knew there were so many. I thought it was just www, but I didn't know that.

MARISHA: Got to do the full thing.

MICHELLE: Yeah. And I'm glad to be here. I'm so excited to be DMed by you.

MARISHA:  Oh.

MICHELLE: I hear it's an experience.

MARISHA: Here we go.

AABRIA: Big mood. 

MARISHA: And of course Laura, giving the emotional support from across the table.

LAURA: I'm Laura Bailey. I'm still playing Grelnok.

MARISHA: Yes. 

MICHELLE: Was I supposed to say my character's name? Because I did not do that.

LAURA: You can do it now.

SAM: Start over. We'll edit this out.

MICHELLE: My character's name is Hoa Sen, just call me Hoa. And I said it earlier, definitely.

LAURA: Ta-da! 

AABRIA: All right, I'm going to go. Learning curve! Hey, I'm Aabria Iyengar and I'm playing Tavima, your Redguard Templar and bouncer. I'm a bouncer, and now I look like Christmas.

LAURA: You look wonderful.

AABRIA: Oh, it's falling. I look like a grandma.

MARISHA: It's great.

AABRIA: Very confused. This is how I feel constantly. This is good.

MARISHA: The sexiest grandma.

LAURA: Yeah.

AABRIA: Thank you.

MARISHA: Yeah. Taliesin.

TALIESIN: Okay, I have to follow that.

MARISHA: Yeah.

TALIESIN: Hi--

MARISHA: You also look like a sexy grandma.

TALIESIN: Thank you.

AABRIA: Sexy grandma!

TALIESIN: Really what I was going for. Great grandma, maybe. My name is Taliesin Jaffe and I will be playing Mallory, the cook. So still cooking.

SAM: Yeah, still cooking.

TALIESIN: Still cooking.

SAM: Greetings. My name's Sam Riegel. I will be your server tonight. I am playing Slaughter Grimm, the waiter of the establishment, and also, I like to think, the pluckiest of the bunch.

LAURA: Oh, really? I realize, Michelle, you and I did not say our role at the--

MICHELLE: We had to start, we didn't know. So Hoa is the--

AABRIA: You just messed up and we have to find it, immersion, in the game.

MICHELLE: Okay, yeah.

AABRIA: I'm kidding, go!

MICHELLE: Let us know in the chat, it's fine.  Is that how we're doing this?

MARISHA: Tell me my role.

MICHELLE: Hoa's the hostess. She's Altmer. She cool, she got bird friends.

LAURA: Tight.

MICHELLE: All right, let's keep going.

LAURA: I'm the bartender, I'm the barkeep. I serve the drinks.

MICHELLE: Yeah.

LAURA: I'm a half-orc. That's all I got. All right. We're done. That was the whole game.

MARISHA: That was great. That was the smoothest intro we have ever done by far.

SAM: Http.

MICHELLE: Colon colon, slash slash.

MARISHA: And yeah, I mean, it can only go uphill from here. So without further ado, let's jump into tonight's episode of Elder Scrolls Online.

PART I

MARISHA: Okay. The sun is slowly climbing towards its apex over Grahtwood. It's still a couple of hours before noon, but you can already feel it's going to be a scorcher of a day in Valenwood. However, the muggy heat from the morning sun, air thick with fresh evaporated mist from the nearby woods, does not seem to be slowing down the foot traffic in front of Grelnok's Skull Tavern. The tavern formerly known as The Dreary Jug, The Dirty Hole, The Dingy Hole, The Silver Lining, The Burned Journal, and The Really Nice Hole. Tavern keeps. It's been precisely 85 days since your strange encounter with a daedric beast that inspired the namesake of your now thriving tavern. With the growing clientele, partially thanks to the upgrades you've made from the tavern over the past three months or so, and partially due to the ongoing conflict between rival factions across the Aldmeri Dominion, creating an ever-growing need for weary soldiers and refugees to seek comfort and your famed pork platter when in need of a respite. Currently, you can hear about a half dozen or so Dominion patrols that are currently loitering in front of your establishment, waiting for the doors to open. It's almost lunchtime and people are getting hungry. So, tavern keepers, moments before opening the doors, what are you up to?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh boy!

MARISHA: Also--

MARISHA: -- as you all know, it's been about three months. You've had a little influx of cash. You've been able to make some upgrades. Tavern's had a little glow-up. So feel free to illuminate us with how fancy your tavern is now.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Uh-huh.

TAVIMA: Yeah. Okay.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Uh-huh, uh-huh.

TAVIMA: I think Tavima starts very specifically, she does not clean or do any upkeep to the tavern, but she is fastidiously cleaning the front main window because her share of the loot going into upgrading the tavern is just for this beautiful, ornate stained glass window in the front that I throw people out of when I bounce them because it reforms.

MARISHA: Oh!

TAVIMA: So it's enchanted--

MARISHA: That's sick.

TAVIMA: -- to come back. And she's stretching out a rotator cuff injury because she does this a lot now. People pay extra to get bounced out. So she adjusts her shoulder and then, finishes--

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Part of the experience here at Grelnok's Skull.

TAVIMA: All right. New day, here we go. Oh.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: You're getting all flexible there?

TAVIMA: Yeah, I got to warm up.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Working out your bouncer muscles?

TAVIMA: Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Nice.

TAVIMA: Stay limber.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I'm busying myself. Slaughter Grimm is busying himself, making sure that his tray is ready. He used some of the income from the restaurant to buy a levitating tray, which he calls Rex. And so, when he walks across the tavern he says: Come here. Come here, Rex. And the tray sort of scoots along beside him. But it sometimes gets distracted and goes around sniffing things. But for right now, Rex is behaving, and he's all ready to accept the customers.

HOA SEN: That's so cute.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Mallory is getting ready, getting the meals ready, everything prepped. Upgraded the kitchen quite a bit. There's now an eight stage burner and two ovens. One of the ovens is currently broken and two of the burners have not been lighting, but that's fine. Got a bunch of new stuff on the menu. I've got an extra thick, double swing door that just makes it more inconvenient and more difficult to come into the kitchen. Really has helped my disposition. Also hired a sous chef named Timothy, who's quit. But--  He was obnoxious, anyway, so that's fine.

HOA SEN: Well, I've updated the front of the area with a new numbering system so that when you arrive... So I used my money to build a small coop for my bird friends so they had a nice warm place to sleep inside, not just outside. Anyway, I've sort of numbered the birds around their neck, and they think that's their name. So I give each patron a numbered bird, and when it's their time, I yell out in the Altmer Elvish language for the number/the bird, they do chirp, and then I know exactly where the patron is and they can come in when it is their turn. I've also added a small guest book in the front of the door. The guest book is made out of the skin of the giant beast that we slew a few months ago. And for the pen, we use a quill from Slaughter.

MARISHA: Amazing.

HOA SEN: Little bit of ink.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: So the birds are like those pagers that you get.

MARISHA: Yes. I want to go to this restaurant.

MALLORY KLAXTON: I'm actually really into this.

MARISHA: Yeah.

TAVIMA: This is--

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Where they're like, "Come back in.

TAVIMA: -- so unsanitary.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: "We'll page you when you're--"

TAVIMA: I hate it so much.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Amazing.

HOA SEN: It's very good. And I don't let Tavima touch them. No, please don't. Nope, okay. Don't hurt them. That's number four, don't hurt number four. 

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Don't touch the birds.

TAVIMA: Teach them to not shit on things.

HOA SEN: They're little birds, they eat, they get full of food and they have to--

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Poop. They've got to poop.

HOA SEN: It's natural.

TAVIMA: When is Timothy coming in? Someone needs to clean the ground.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: He's late again.

MALLORY KLAXTON: I don't know if he's coming back. He seemed-- I mean, he was terrible. He was terrible last week. I don't think he's coming back.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: He seemed okay. You yelled at him a lot!

MALLORY KLAXTON: I yell at a lot of people a lot.

TAVIMA: Yeah.

MALLORY KLAXTON: He can handle it or he can't.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Grelnok has upgraded the bar top from the old, cracked piece of wood that was there, to a nice large slab of mahogany.

TAVIMA: Ooh.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: It's beautiful. 

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Beautiful.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Beautiful! And has a much better selection of different meads, nice fine wines, hard liquor. We've got a big selection now. Before it was just dusty wine bottles, I didn't even know what it was.

MARISHA: Excellent.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Nice.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Yeah.

MARISHA: About this time you hear .

MARISHA: "Hello? Door says you're going to open at 11:00."

MALLORY KLAXTON: Door says a lot of things!

HOA SEN: No, no, we are supposed to open at 11:00, it's 11:00 just now. I will go take care of this.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Is everyone ready? We're ready to open? Everyone--

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Open the fucking door.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: We need to have our pre-opening pep talk.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Oh.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Everyone, have a great day today. Support each other, be there for each other, and remember the customers always come first, and the customer's always right, all right? Good tips, everyone. Let's go.

HOA SEN: Yes, tips are very important. Okay! I open the door. Welcome to Grelnok Skull hyphen, I mean slash, A Very Nice Hole--

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: It's not A Really Nice Hole, it's just Grelnok's Skull.

HOA SEN: Just Grel-- oh. I thought we were still TBA on that.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Grelnok's Skull.

HOA SEN: Welcome to the rest-- the tavern, restaurant, an all-immersive experience of fine dining and meats, and some birds. Oh, and we have a shed in the back that's sort of a whole immersive experience thing. We'll talk about that later.

TAVIMA: Whoa, hold on. Don't undersell my favorite part.

HOA SEN: Okay.

TAVIMA: There is an immersive experience.

HOA SEN: Immersive experience.

TAVIMA: If you want, we can go on a tour through it once you've paid your bill.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: It costs extra. It costs extra.

TAVIMA: It costs extra.

MARISHA: "Okay, can we just get a table now?"

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh.

HOA SEN: Yes, dinner, then the show. Yes, excellent. Okay.

MARISHA: "Okay."

HOA SEN: I guess there's no wait, so I don't need to use my little birds. Number one, you can just take a knee? Just take a rest.

MARISHA: "All right."

HOA SEN: I lead them into the-- This is our finest table next to the fireplace on this hot day.

MARISHA: "Okay?" Just the rest of the soldiers are just all shuffling in and you can tell they just-- They're trying to be entertained and enthused, but, "We just heard about the pork platter. "We just hear a lot of things--"

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Hi, hi. Hi.

MARISHA: "Hi."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: My name's Slaughter, I'll be your server today.

MARISHA: "Okay."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Can I tell you about our specials before you go ahead and order?

MARISHA: 

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: You said the pork platter, which is a lovely dish, but I'd love to tell you about some of our other specials.

MARISHA: Soldier looks to the other ones and they just. "Okay, okay."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Well, Mallory has prepared a bunch of fresh things for you today. Number one is the veal tartar with black truffles, shallots, potato crisps, quail egg, and a black truffle aioli. We've also got a lacquered duck with yellow turnip, brazed red cabbage, sun-dried cherries. Very good, limited quantity, though. Roasted juniper lamb with cauliflower and saffron-scented basmati rice. Or you can go traditional with the beef burger. That will take extra prep time, though.

MARISHA: One of the female soldiers who's an Altmer, you can tell she's young, she turns and she's goes, "I do really love lamb. It's like, one of my favorites."

HOA SEN: I think you should get the lamb. Actually, I wanted to nickname all of these, but we haven't really gotten to the name. I think the lamb burger should be, what do you think? The baa-burger, is that too much? 

MARISHA: "I don't get it."

HOA SEN: It's because they, when they're alive, you see, before you... When they're alive they go.

MARISHA: "Right, but it's dead now."

HOA SEN: It's meat now.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Then they get slaughtered and then you eat 'em.

HOA SEN: And coincidentally, our server is named Slaughter.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Hi, yes.

MARISHA: "Oh."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Hi.

MARISHA: "Oh."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: So one lamb, then? Or lamb all around?

MARISHA: The original soldier's just like, "I still just want the pork, I think."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: All right, great.

MARISHA: But the female's like, "I'll take the lamb."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Thank you so much.  Mallory!

MALLORY KLAXTON: Yeah?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Mallory, table one wants one baa-burger and one pork!

HOA SEN: Oh, you said it!

MALLORY KLAXTON: Fine, I'll push the pork. 

MARISHA: You see a couple more people are starting to gather in the front, in the hostess area, just starting to get a little bit anxious, wanting seats.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Drinks? Drinks while you wait?

MARISHA: "Well actually, I just wanted to show my little child," it's this beautiful Khajiit mother, and she has her two little sons, and they're like, eight and six, and they're both already rowdy, they've got wooden swords. The two boys are just over there just whacking their swords against the hostess podium. One of them goes over and then climbs up on it and starts looking through your guest book.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I don't know about that.

TAVIMA: I grab that one by the scruff of the neck.

MARISHA: "What?"

TAVIMA: What do we think we're doing? What is this?

MARISHA: "Mom!"

TAVIMA: Hand over the mouth. No, no, no, we don't scream for help. Either you're strong enough to get out of this yourself, or you just let this happen.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: It's a life lesson!

TAVIMA: This is a teachable moment.

MARISHA: The mom lets it happen.

TAVIMA: I give her a little nod like.

MARISHA: She's, you know, don't hurt her kid, but also I think she's probably had this dream herself.

TAVIMA: So is that your book?

MARISHA: "Mm-mm."

TAVIMA: Did you ask anyone before you climbed up on the podium?

MARISHA:  "Mm-mm."

TAVIMA: Mm-mm. Also, your sword form is fucking terrible. And I just drop the kid on the ground. Two hands. And you swivel with your hips. And just let them go ahead and continue to torment the hostess podium.

MARISHA: You can tell he's really into soldiers and weaponry, so as soon as you start talking about form and seem like you're going to be this teacher, the kid starts coming back around again. And then they just go like,  "You're mean!" And then run off and go over to these soldiers and start just whacking the soldiers with their new form.

TAVIMA: I am mean, thank you.  Good kids.

MARISHA: The mom just turns and look at you and goes, " Are you serving wine right now?"

HOA SEN: Oh yes, we're always serving. We have wines of at least two colors, yes.

MARISHA: "Okay, I'll have your strongest one."

HOA SEN: Wonderful. Why don't you take a seat--

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Strongest wine. Your strongest wine?

MARISHA: "Uh-huh. Or, you know what? Just make it... Can you just pour it in that tankard instead of a wine glass?"

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Red, white?

MARISHA: "Yes."

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Cool. Pop open two bottles and just--  - in the tankard.

MARISHA: She's not going to complain. And then a couple more soldiers that were still loitering outside just finished smoking their pipes, and then they also come inside.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Welcome, welcome inside. You know, I can't help but notice there's a whole bunch of soldiers here today. Was there a fight that has recently broken out near here?

MARISHA: "No, we're just stationed here."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Stationed here?

MARISHA: "Yeah. It's real fuckin' boring, you know?"

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: You're wanting some action.

MARISHA: "It's why I signed up for the army. Wanted to go on the frontline."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Sure, yeah. That's why you would.

MARISHA: "Stupid patrol. Fuckin' stupid--"

MALLORY KLAXTON: Coming through, coming through! I walk over with the plates because this is... And I just slop the pork plate down, gently place the lamb down. Thank you for ordering the lamb.

MARISHA: "Thank you."

MALLORY KLAXTON: Just as a thank you, here's a slice of our triple berry pie.

MARISHA: "Oh."

MALLORY KLAXTON: It's got blackberry, raspberry, jumbleberries, and we make the vanilla ice cream. I make the vanilla ice cream in-house every day fresh.

MARISHA: "I'm sort of--"

MALLORY KLAXTON: Don't share it. I go back into the kitchen.

MARISHA: She just turns to the other soldiers she's with and she's like, "I'm allergic to berries."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh, well maybe your friend would like it instead.

MARISHA: "He just--"

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: He won't know.

MARISHA: "He said not to--"

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Don't worry. He's harmless.

MARISHA: "I feel like he would."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Nah, don't worry.

MARISHA: "He was really... All right."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I wouldn't worry about it. Nothing bad could happen.

MARISHA: She looks over her shoulder where Mallory went and just pushes the plate very gingerly--

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: It'll be fine.

MARISHA: "All right."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Dig in, I'll get you some napkins, and if you need anything else to drink, just holler.

MARISHA: "Okay. Thank you!"  "Thank you."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I'll go back over to that soldier, unless that's the same person.

MARISHA: Well, you mean you can't tell the difference?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I can't.  They're all beautiful.

MARISHA: This one, the one that's mad.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Yeah!

MARISHA: All right. He sits down, he's real pissed.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: So you're stationed nearby?

MARISHA: "Yeah."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: And you were all on patrol and decided to come here, that's--

MARISHA: "There's not much else to do, you know? It's a real fucking boring town."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Is there any threat that we're under? Why so many soldiers on patrol?

MARISHA: "I don't know. People keep claiming that there's all these Daedric elements, supernatural rigamarole. I don't know, I've never seen it. Seems like a big ol' excuse to me."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I have a feeling that there are some Daedric influences nearby.

MARISHA: " This fucking guy. You're one of them believers?"

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I am. Yeah, I do believe. I do believe, yes.

MARISHA: "Just get me an ale."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: All right, right away. One ale for table two, please.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: What kind of ale?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: What kind of ale would you like?

MARISHA: "You have like a--"

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: We've got lots of ale now. We've got lots of different types of ale. You want dark ale, light ale?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: She's really into the varietals, so you might have to listen to a bunch of options.

MARISHA: "Do you have like--"

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: We got wheat ale, we got--

MARISHA: "You have a stout, like a red stout?"

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Stout, we got porter. Is that a thing?

MARISHA: "You got port?"

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: A port.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh no. Does Laura not know anything about beer? 

MARISHA: Porter.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: IPA, we got--

MALLORY KLAXTON: Technically.

HOA SEN: Mango Cart, maybe.  Is that one?

MARISHA: "Yeah, I'll just have that stout, thank you."

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Got it.

MARISHA: "All right."

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Here you go.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Here, I'll put it on Rex. Rex, come with me. Come here. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, this way. Come here, honey. Here we go.

MARISHA: Rex just clips one of the Khajiit kids' heads. It's right at the kid height.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh, it's okay.

TAVIMA: Don't cry.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Come here, baby, come here.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Ugh!

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: All right, there you go. Here's your ale.

MARISHA: "Thank you."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Go away. Go.

MARISHA: About this time, the door swings open again.I don't know if you guys have a door bell, I don't know.

HOA SEN: Yes.

TAVIMA: It's a bunch tiny rat skulls from before. We put a little bell--

MARISHA: Oh. So it's like.

TAVIMA: Yeah.

MARISHA: You see a familiar face walk through the front door. Familiar, yet perhaps not welcome? An Altmer figure in fine Sariellen clothing, short blond hair, now even more shorn and clean-cut to accommodate for the hot summer months. This is your old friend, Diven the tax collector.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Fuckin' Diven.

TAVIMA: Elf feel, go.

HOA SEN: Oh, hello, Sir Diven. Welcome back to our little humble tavern. We're so delighted to have you back. We believe we paid all of our taxes previously. What brings you here today? Just a meal, perhaps?

MARISHA: "Oh. I see you have made quite the improvement since I've last been here."

HOA SEN: Yes. We're doing our best, and paying our taxes like law-abiding citizens because you said to do that, so now we're doing it.

MARISHA: "Good for you. I actually don't work for the tax department anymore."

HOA SEN: Oh, what's your new job?

MARISHA: "I now work for the Department of Health and Safety for the Dominion."

TAVIMA: I am subtly trying to entice the Khajiit children to go attack Diven with their wooden swords. I'm like: Get in there. From the waist.

MARISHA: "Okay."

TAVIMA: Aim for the knees and ankles. Joints. Go. Yes.

MARISHA: "Okay."

MALLORY KLAXTON: I was just peeking above the double swing door to watch the soldier eating the lamb to see the reaction, and then I heard that and I've immediately scurried away into the kitchen. And there's a lot of sounds happening. 

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: I'm kicking at the rats that live under the counter to try to shoo them out before he--

MARISHA: "Yes, I'm just here to do a routine inspection."

HOA SEN: Well, that's fine. I mean, health sounds very important--

MARISHA: "It is."

HOA SEN: And safety is also very important, so this should be totally fine, I think. I will-- What do you need to look at first?

MARISHA: "Well, you know, if you wouldn't mind just giving me a moment. Don't want any hoverers while I walk around and-- gah!" And about this time, two Khajiit children just start whacking at his shins.

TAVIMA: No quarter!

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Aim higher!

TAVIMA: Yeah!

HOA SEN: Oh, those don't belong to us, so that's not part of the restaurant.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I'm so sorry about that. Here, little tykes, please go back to your table. We apologize for that, truly.

MARISHA: "Just--"

HOA SEN: Is that a good note?

MARISHA: "Yes."

HOA SEN: Is that saying that we have-- all ages are welcome here and it's a family establishment? I think that's what you're writing, right?

MARISHA: "I'll do my inspection now, if you don't mind."

HOA SEN: I've been told I'm an excellent helper. I can assist you. I'm hovering the shit out of this Altmer.

MARISHA: He turns and walks away and starts looking at things, doing his own thing. "Hmm. These new torch sconches? Beautiful. You hung them a little bit low, that could be a fire hazard. Just--"

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Easy to fix. I go and rip one off the wall.

MARISHA: "All right."

HOA SEN: We're problem solvers.

MARISHA: "Nice stained glass."

TAVIMA: Thank you. I had a problem with you, and now we're good. 

MARISHA: "Well done. Good craftsmanship. Oh, this levitating tray."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Yes, his name's Rex and he helps me serve all the food.

MARISHA: "Bit dingy."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Well, I mean, that's--

MARISHA: "You do clean this, right?"

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: It's a bit alive. So, you know, he cleans himself from time to time as is his-- I can make it--

TAVIMA: Calm down.

MARISHA: "Oh oh, oh." He is stomping on the floor and testing the floorboards a bit.

TAVIMA: Can I insight check him?

MARISHA: Sure.

TAVIMA: Does he think he's being thorough? No, it begins. Never mind, I'm not going to finish the thought.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: I forgot we rolled so bad for this game.

TAVIMA: Nine, I got a nine.

HOA SEN: Cool, cool, cool.

MARISHA: He seems pretty diligent. Seems he's taken this new change of government position pretty seriously. "Yes, these soft floorboards."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Soft?

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Soft floorboards?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: They're made of wood!

MARISHA: He crouches down, pulls out a little utility knife, cracks one of them open.

TAVIMA: Aren't you to do this when we're not in the middle of working?

MARISHA: "Well, I sent a notice. You should have noticed gotten it."

TAVIMA: With whomst?

MARISHA: "That's not my department." Continues to look under the floorboards. "Oof."

TAVIMA: What are you doing?

MARISHA: "Bit of a crumbling foundation under here. All right."

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Welp.

TAVIMA: Do something!

MARISHA: "Do you mind if I just check behind the bar?"

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Yep, I mind a lot.

MARISHA: "Well, unfortunately, if you don't let me check behind the bar, I can't finish your inspection and that's an automatic failure."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: What does it mean if we fail the inspection?

MARISHA: "Oh, you will be shut down effective immediately until any and all adjustments are made."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I-- What is your-- Why do you seem to have this vendetta against us? We've done nothing but serve you.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Get behind the fucking-- go look behind the bar. I drop a rag on the ground, hopefully to cover up the rats, see if they go back into the corner.

TAVIMA: Scurries away.

MARISHA: Just moving the rag. He kind of--

TAVIMA: It's also enchanted.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: It's a levitating bar towel. That one's named Bessie.

HOA SEN: Mm-hmm. Rex and Bessie.

MARISHA: "Bessie."

TAVIMA: Yep.

MARISHA: "Bessie and Rex. All right. Are these-- These bird friends are also, these are new."

HOA SEN: Yes, they all have names and they all have individual souls and feelings and thoughts and dreams.

MARISHA: "They also could have diseases."

HOA SEN: Oh, no, they clean themselves all the time. Are you worried about them being dirty?

MARISHA: "Yes, precisely."

HOA SEN: I call all of the birds over to me and I have this big pitcher of water and I just dunk on top of them. And now they're clean! And that birds are shaking themselves off. And now they're clean, that's how cleaning works. Rex, come here! And I just take another thing of water, a pitcher or water, I just throw it on Rex. Clean!

TAVIMA: I am on the wrong side of this, because I am with Diven. 

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: So now we got a big puddle of dirty water?

MARISHA: Yeah.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Nice.

TAVIMA: Bessie, please come clean up this weird mess that Hoa has caused.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh, Bessie doesn't actually respond to your-- It's just a rat.

MARISHA: Diven now just--

TAVIMA: I bonded really hard.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Just a rat with a rag over top of it. But it does move and start drinking. 

TAVIMA: So it kind of worked.

HOA SEN: Magic.

MARISHA: Diven looks at the puddle and now goes, "Hmm! Improper water spillage cleanup. Leaving standing water. All right, behind the bar now," and he just lifts the little swinging door, goes in. "These keg taps. Got a little bit of mold growing on some of the spigots."

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Stick my finger in there and wiggle it around. Really? Ah! Oh yeah. Are you supposed to remove these every once in a while? I don't know. We'll get those cleaned for you.

MARISHA: "And now the kitchen."

MALLORY KLAXTON: Can I ask you to make a strength check to open the door? 

MARISHA: Sure! Mm. "How, um-- How does this?"

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: You just push.

TAVIMA: Yeah, you just push through.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: It's a double door, it goes both ways.

TAVIMA: I'm going to walk into the kitchen just to prove a point.

MARISHA: Same roll. He just.

MALLORY KLAXTON: I lift away the-- I'm taking away the barrier and backing up.

MARISHA: "Oh, thank you."

MALLORY KLAXTON: Come in, come in.

MARISHA: "Oh, kitchen upgrade."

MALLORY KLAXTON: Yeah, very clean, very clean.

MARISHA: "Lovely."

MALLORY KLAXTON: Yep, you've seen--

MARISHA: He goes over.

MALLORY KLAXTON: I-- Don't, don't.

MARISHA: "Is that-- Is that gas? One these burners are not working. Do you know these burners, not working?"

MALLORY KLAXTON: I might be aware of that, yes.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Wait, do I have any magic?

MARISHA: And then he...

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Can I make fire?

MARISHA: Starts kind of--

TAVIMA: I've got a magical sword that could end this very quickly.

MARISHA: Throws open some drawers and some cabinets.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Oh, they're full of dirty shit.

MARISHA: And he's immediately taken aback.

MALLORY KLAXTON: I hid everything before you came back here.

MARISHA: "There's quite a few rodent droppings, isn't there? Gathered in the corners."

MALLORY KLAXTON: I had someone quit on me this week and it's been just a bit off--

MARISHA: "Would that be Sir Timothy?"

MALLORY KLAXTON: Maybe.

MARISHA: "We've heard from him recently."

MALLORY KLAXTON: Have you?

MARISHA: "Just complained about some improper worker's conduct within the establishment. Some complaints about some rude and ornery employees and business partners."

MALLORY KLAXTON: Well, he's a liar and a traitor and I. We had some disagreements. That's absolutely fair, but we parted ways. He wanted to look for other employment and I needed somebody who actually knew how to work.

MARISHA: "Great."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Did you at least offer to write him a recommendation?

MALLORY KLAXTON: No!

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: That's what it is, then.

MARISHA: "Well, beyond the cook, and honestly, this one's not even this isn't my department, but I got some complaints about a rude bouncer. Just so you know."

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: It's part of the experience.

MARISHA: "It's your business."

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: People come here just for our bouncer.

TAVIMA: Yeah, can I show you the main attraction of this bar?

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: You want the full experience?

TAVIMA: Please, you are so diligent and meticulous. You would be remiss to not see.

MARISHA: Make a persuasion check.

TAVIMA: Yes.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Come on, come on, come on.

MALLORY KLAXTON: One good roll.

TAVIMA: No.  Three.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Oh!

HOA SEN: Oh wow.

MARISHA: "Perhaps after I am done with my evaluation. I am here on official Dominion business, so shouldn't be playing on the clock. Welp, I think I've seen enough. If you wouldn't mind just giving me a moment to calculate your score. Be with you in a moment." And he just--

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Is this how health building inspectors really work?

MARISHA: He shuffles off into the corner and is kind of-- he's got a clipboard and he's checking forms.

TAVIMA: Grelnok, go get the bribe money. We're going to have to.

MALLORY KLAXTON: I don't know. Say the word, we could have a new special tomorrow.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Are we going to kill and cook the inspector?!

TAVIMA: I think that's a good idea.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: There's soldiers here, they'll see!

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Could I roll a knowledge check? If we kill this guy, are we going to get in trouble? Will people know?

MALLORY KLAXTON: Put him in the beef burger, they won't know the difference, I think.

MARISHA: Sure, yeah. Roll a-- what would that be?

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Survival? 

MARISHA: Roll a-- Just roll a history check. How about that?

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Oh. Eight.

MARISHA: Mm.

MALLORY KLAXTON: We are a powerhouse.

TAVIMA: Why?!

MARISHA: You don't know a lot about politics and how it works, but you do know that if people tend to mess with the Dominion, especially government official employees, that sometimes those people are never seen again.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Hmm.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: All right.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Dangerous game.

MARISHA: After a moment, Diven comes back. "Welp, tallied up your score and I have bad news. I am so sorry, my dear acquaintances. I'm afraid this establishment is not up to code. I regret to inform you that I must immediately shut down this business."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Again?

MARISHA: "By order of title 47, in accordance with article 69, section 1-1-9-8-7 B4."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Nice.

MARISHA: "This is primarily in part and in perpetuity due to the crumbling foundation of the building. But good news is, once sufficient repairs are made, you may reopen your establishment immediately. So. Oh, and sorry. After you pay 150 gold fine for allowing the foundation to wear out and get that bad in the first place."

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: How much money do we have?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: 150 gold?

MARISHA: "Mm-hmm."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Is the fine, and we have to repair everything.

MARISHA: "Yes."

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Foundation problems, so expensive.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: They are.

HOA SEN: And finding a contractor is very difficult during this time.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: That's true.

TAVIMA: Can I make a history check? Because there's no way I don't know what the like legal ramifications are for killing a government official. If it's less than 150 gold in fines and jail time, I would like to make that calculation, please. Can I?

MARISHA: Sure, yeah, roll a history check.

TAVIMA: Okay, okay. Oh no, it's not plus anything. 10.

MARISHA: It's not so much the fine of murder within the empire or within the Dominion. It's more of the... locked away in a dungeon, never to be seen again factor.

TAVIMA: If you get caught. Cool.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: All right. And can we at least finish the lunch service, or must we shut the doors immediately?

MARISHA: "Well, I would say you have as much time as it takes me to post this sign on your front door."

TAVIMA: Let me help you out, then. I want to throw him out the front window.

MARISHA: Okay, yeah. Make a-- What is that, a strength check?

TAVIMA: Yes, please.

MARISHA: Make a strength check.

TAVIMA: Cool.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: You can do it.

TAVIMA: There we go. Can it be athletics?

MARISHA: Sure.

TAVIMA: Dirty 20!

MARISHA: Without, like-- It happened so fast, Diven doesn't even know what's really happened to him. He just was standing in the tavern, and is now laying down outside the tavern. And you look through the stained glass and you just see he's a little bit in a daze, scuffed up on the ground.

TAVIMA: And I just flip him off as the glass slowly re-forms.

HOA SEN: Before it closes I yell: That's part of the immersive experience!

MARISHA: " You knocked the hair off of me."

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: You knocked the hair off him.

MARISHA: "Oh! Stands up, brushes himself off.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Hoa, lock the door!

HOA SEN: Oh, okay.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Well, get the guests out first.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Well, we have to-- There's still food coming for some of them, though, they'll leave hungry. We can't let a guest leave hungry!

TAVIMA: Why is that the takeaway here?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Because our customers are like our family. If we don't treat them well, they won't come back for more.

MALLORY KLAXTON: They're not like my family, I actually talk to the customers on occasion.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: That's true. Also, they're soldiers, won't they become irate if we don't serve them their food?

TAVIMA: They don't believe in Daedrics and all of the supernatural stuff that we've seen. They are effectively bullet fodder. So I'm not worried about them.

MALLORY KLAXTON: I mean, there's an easy way to take care of this.

HOA SEN: What's that?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: What is that?

MALLORY KLAXTON: Offer them a free drink as we kick them out.

TAVIMA: Oh!

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I like that idea. I don't want any upset customers.

TAVIMA: We're hemorrhaging money.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Oy! Come get a drink and get the fuck out. 

HOA SEN: And if you don't like it, you can blame the gentleman laying outside the window.

MALLORY KLAXTON: They did it.

MARISHA: You just look outside the window and just see a struggling Diven.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Feel free to kick some dirt in his face on your way out.

TAVIMA: Oh, that'll get you 10% off your next pork platter.

HOA SEN: His name's Diven, just so you know.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: I start pouring ale out of the moldy tap, passing it out.

MARISHA: After a moment, you just hear.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Oh.

MARISHA: And you see he's clutching his side a little as he hammers in--

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh, he's posting it.

MARISHA: -- the sign.

MALLORY KLAXTON: I mean, if we take this far back enough, really it's the inspectors who went over this when we bought the place that's really messed us here. I feel like they should have caught this.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: For sure. Did we have an inspection when we bought this? I thought it was more of an as-is scenario, but I guess we should have done our due diligence.

MALLORY KLAXTON: I thought we had one. Didn't we get? There was--

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: We didn't have an inspection. Mallory. We didn't have anything. I go over to where the foundation problems are and start stomping my feet on the wood planks. Do I feel anything? Does it feel like I could break through?

MARISHA: It's one of those things where it's like, you've always known that it seemed a little janky, but wasn't really a problem that crossed your radar. But now as you, like.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Squeaky floorboards.

MARISHA: Stomp around, you're like, it feels a little rough.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Now we got to fix this.

TAVIMA: We could have thrown some sawdust under there.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: What's underneath the bar?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Well, let's get everybody out first. Thank you for coming, everyone. Remember we mainly subsist on tips. So please be generous on your way out. Thank you so much.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Give us a tip and get the fuck out!

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Fight the good fight, soldiers. Children, please learn the good learn, and have a wonderful day.

HOA SEN: And sign the guestbook, please, before you leave. Signing the guestbook is very important.

MARISHA: On the outside of the door is still Diven, just wanting to get back in. And then the door swings open from a customer, and he takes a step back. He's playing that battle of when too many people are leaving, but he's trying to get back in, but is--

TAVIMA: You're like a terrible salmon.

MARISHA: "So--"

HOA SEN: Can I use animal handling to try to get my birds to shoo him away?

MARISHA: Sure, roll an animal handling check.

HOA SEN: A peck fight, if you will. A seven. 

MALLORY KLAXTON: Wow, we are the best.

MARISHA: You said how many birds were there? Six?

HOA SEN: Yeah, six.

MARISHA: Number one just out the window.

HOA SEN: Oh, oh!

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Gone forever?

MARISHA: It's out the window.

HOA SEN: Number one went to go find its dream. 

MALLORY KLAXTON: Number one was in league with Timothy.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Yeah.

HOA SEN: We don't know what that. Is there a letter?

MALLORY KLAXTON: Just had a look to him, I was always thinking it.

TAVIMA: Maybe it didn't like water getting dumped on it.

HOA SEN: Well, now they're clean. So I solved one problem. I have solutions to our problems and Diven didn't seem to like it, I don't understand.

MARISHA: And once again, Diven's still trying to get in.

TAVIMA: Just wait!

MARISHA: The two Khajiit kids just on their way out, whack, whack!

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Nice.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: I like those kids.

TAVIMA: I love-- I think I want kids to teach tiny murder. No, not for me, to do crimes for me.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Okay.

TAVIMA: Yeah.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: You want to start a family?

TAVIMA: Whoa, okay, calm down. And I pull the little--

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I'm just saying in general, I'm trying and to get to know you better. I feel like we work together, but we're not friends, you know? Like, there should be--

TAVIMA: I also have that feeling.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Yeah, so I didn't know that you had a family mindset. That's really nice.

TAVIMA: I feel like I clarified. And I think there's like a moment where she like tries to be super gruff about it and then looks around and is like: Yeah, a little bit.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I mean, you know my family is not the greatest. I mean, they're tight, but I've been sort of on the outs with them for a long time. And so I, you know, when I see that feeling of familial bond in someone, I really, I appreciate it. It's a good thing to strive for. If you want, you could call me your honorary brother.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: I thought he was going to offer to bone you.

HOA SEN: But that's how you make children.

TAVIMA: I was also afraid of that, but you know what? I will take the-- Brother feels good. I like that. And she claps you on the shoulders very hard. Brother.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Yeah. Thank you.

TAVIMA: Pushes you away.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Oh, you're still here.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: What?

MARISHA: "Sorry. Wasn't done before you threw me through--"

TAVIMA: That's going to be five gold.

MARISHA: "It's back."

TAVIMA: Yeah.

MALLORY KLAXTON: It's immersive.

MARISHA: "It's deeply impressive. I will say. I do enjoy that."

TAVIMA: Then it's on the house.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Will that be a discount or something for us?

HOA SEN: Like a bonus point?

MARISHA: Roll for persuasion.

HOA SEN: Which of us?

MARISHA: Slaughter, you brought it up first. And with advantage because they're assisting you. It's a one and a five.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Dear lord.

HOA SEN: Team, what's going on?

TAVIMA: It hurts to play this game.

HOA SEN: Yeah, this is rough.

MARISHA: "I'll tell you this."

MALLORY KLAXTON: We're going to .... the inspection. Sorry, carry on.

MARISHA: "I cannot offer you a discount as a fine is a fine. And all of the paperwork must be of the utmost diligence and streamlined, or else I could get in trouble. You could understand that, right? You don't want me to get in trouble. But I'll offer you a little tip because I like the stained glass window."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: We do work on tips.

MARISHA: He pulls out his notebook again and he writes down a name and with a vague direction. Rips off of the paper, hands it. "This is a reasonable and fairly decent stone mason. His name is Orimen Granoth. Not far north from here, through the woods."

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Through the woods?

MARISHA: "Mm-hmm. He set up up his own little rock quarry, so got to travel a little bit. But the day is still young. If you set off now, you might be able to get there and back again before nightfall and perhaps not lose too much business. You could get started on your repairs tomorrow, perhaps be open the next day."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: All right, all right, that's not too bad.

MARISHA: "He's an okay person. Just tell, no. Don't tell him I sent you."

HOA SEN: Is there some sort of deep past conflict we should know about?

MARISHA: "He's just a little rough around the edges. Like all stone masons, am I right? But yes, just head north through the Grahtwood. I'd say hour and a half, two hours. You should run into a clearing. He's got a little stone cabin built into the base of the wood.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Well, thank you so much. You know, you've been helpful and diligent and we appreciate your service to the community and to the safety of our kingdom? Empire?

HOA SEN: Health and safety.

MARISHA: "Yes."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Dominion.

MARISHA: "That is my department. Yep, and that's who I work for. Thank you for your utmost cooperation."

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Does he really work for health and--

MARISHA: Make an insight check.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I'm sure you'll roll low and we'll never know.

TAVIMA: Is that berry pie is still on the table?

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Oh!

HOA SEN: Huh?

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: 17!

TAVIMA: Yo! I didn't know the dice could roll that high.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: When it counts.

MARISHA: There is kind of an air of bullshit to him, but you're not entirely sure if it's because the department and who he is as a person is just wrapped up in a little bit bullshitty all the time, or if he's like actually trying to pull a fast one. You're not sure. But there is something that kicks in the back of your head of like: Is this really right? Is he doing this correctly?

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Okay.

MARISHA: Yeah. "Anyway. I'll be back in one week's time to check in on your progress, unless you would like me to come in a little bit earlier, if you think you might be done. Could remove this little post on your door, utmost haste."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: We'll probably get in touch with you within two days' time.

MARISHA: "All right."

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Yeah, we're speedy.

MARISHA: "I will look for your word, and if I do not hear anything, I'll just slide by. I am in the neighborhood. I actually have to do a few more health inspections a few days at the joint across the street, so."

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Diven, are you lonely?

MARISHA: Roll an insight check.

HOA SEN: Yes, do it!

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: No! Four!

MARISHA: He goes, "Nope, I am happily married with two children, actually. Quite the family man. Thank you for asking."

TAVIMA: I want to point at the pie that the lady soldier didn't eat. Don't let it go to waste. Sit down. We don't have any other customers. You might as well.

MARISHA: He grabs the chair, slowly pulls it back, sits down.

HOA SEN: Oh, it's not to-go. Okay, I wasn't-- I quickly clean the table off, and I get a candle, and I put it out. I make it all nice.

MARISHA: He takes, like-- Someone who's on a diet at the bar, like a date who's not really wanting to eat anything. He takes just the tiniest sliver off the front of the pie. "That might be the best pie I've ever had."

MALLORY KLAXTON: It's the fresh jumbleberries.

MARISHA: "Well, I'm full. Thank you. I best be on my way. Lot to inspect. Lots of code, lots of health and safety to implement."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Well, good day to you, and next time you come, maybe we'll serve you another sliver of pie.

MARISHA: "I look forward to it. Hopefully, it doesn't have rat feces." And he just starts to shuffle out the door.

MALLORY KLAXTON: I mean, to be fair, I did see some of the birds going at that one before you offered it. So that's fine.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Well, shit.

TAVIMA: I tried to be nice. I will never do it again.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: You did great.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Fuck that guy.

TAVIMA: Fuck that guy.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Fuck that guy.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: So we're in this pickle again.

LAURA and TAVIMA: Yeah.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: We owe money to the state.

HOA SEN: Uh-huh.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: And we've got no way of getting it.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Well, we got money. We got to fix our foundation.

MALLORY KLAXTON: I like the idea of a stone mason.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Yeah, let's go find this guy.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: We have other options. I just want to throw them out there.

TAVIMA: Murder!

HOA SEN: Oh, ooh.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: We could track Devin, Divin, Devon, whatever their name was--

MARISHA: I kind of changed it a little bit. It's fine.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: And murder him.

TAVIMA: Mm-hmm!

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Thus ending our run-in with the law forever. We could pry open these soft floor boards and try to repair the foundation ourselves.

HOA SEN: Ooh, DIY.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Stuff it full of rags and shit.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I meant actually repair it, but sure. We could stuff it full of rags.

MALLORY KLAXTON: As I'm the one who tried to fix the oven, I have a funny feeling that's not going to go very well.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Or I guess we could--

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: We could just pull up the floorboards and see, though.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: We could. Maybe there's another portal to--

HOA SEN: Oh, that'd be neat.

MALLORY KLAXTON: I pull out a cheap kitchen knife and a spatula and begin ripping up the floor boards.

MARISHA: Okay, roll a strength check.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Ooh, this will be fun. Ooh, that's an actual roll. That's 15.

MARISHA: Okay, yeah, no problem. These boards are pretty dry rotted. They've got a little bit of termite damage. They start popping up pretty good. And it does expose this crumbled stone flooring that has a decent amount of cracks, looks like it was already a patchwork job before they covered it up with this hardwood flooring.

MALLORY KLAXTON: I'm just going to put it out there, I kind of like the stone floor better.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: It's real nice.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Actually, if we repair this--

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: If we get the mason to come, maybe we could just go eschew the wood for just a full stone flooring.

MALLORY KLAXTON: That might be the way to go.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Nice upgrade.

MALLORY KLAXTON: It's is going to be so much easier to clean, too.

HOA SEN: So we should go visit this gentlemen, this Orimen Granoth.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: DM, have I ever heard of Orimen Granoth before?

MARISHA: Make a history check.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Is his name Oarman, like Oar-man?

MARISHA: Orimen, O-R-I-M-E-N. Orimen.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Orimen.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: That's a 19.

MARISHA: Okay. Yes, there's not too many stone masons around. The odd thing is, it's one of those, "That's a name I haven't heard in a long time, and I haven't even really thought about it. I didn't even know this person still existed." But you've only loosely heard about him because you're not really in the architecture and construction business.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I think I've been to a couple of buildings where he stamped his name on the cornerstone, you know? It seems familiar.

MARISHA: But yeah, I don't know, almost like hearing about Henry Ford, like, "Oh. Wait, what?" Kind of what it feels like.

TAVIMA: May just be the Templar in me, but we could also consider just burning this place down and getting the insurance money.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Do we have insurance? Did we do that?

MALLORY KLAXTON: I don't think we got insurance. 

HOA SEN: Another thing we forgot about when we got this place.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: But we could take out an insurance policy--

HOA SEN: Then...

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Wait a couple weeks for it to kick in, I guess? I don't know how insurance works.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Do you think they do insurance policies on places that are condemned and shut down? I don't know. 

TAVIMA: We should get it for cheap, or more? I don't know how insurance works.

HOA SEN: There are holes in this plan.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: All right, all right. That was a good outside of the box--

TAVIMA: I just wanted to put lots of options out there. I like fire.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Good Plan G.

TAVIMA: Thank you.

HOA SEN: Well, I'd like to protect this place. It's a place where we made all of our memories and a great business model. So maybe just ask the stone mason to help quickly?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: That's fair, that's fair. That seems like the simplest--

HOA SEN: Keep the burning it down as a Plan B or a C or D.

TAVIMA: Look, it upgraded from G. Now it's B.

HOA SEN: Sorry.

MALLORY KLAXTON: I was very happy with G, but you say C.

HOA SEN: We didn't have any of the letters--

TAVIMA: Let the record show--

HOA SEN: -- in the middle.

TAVIMA: -- the second plan is burn it down.

HOA SEN: Was murder B? Which one?

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: The second plan is burn it down. Let's go talk to the Orimen.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: All right, we're going through the dangerous woods, though. We should bring some weapons for protection.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Yeah, we bring the torch that I ripped off the wall.

MARISHA: Okay, yep.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: I grab my ax from above the bar.

MARISHA: Great.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: I'm ready.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I'll bring a stick. And I'm going to bring Rex, just in case.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Should we get some rope or some shit?

TAVIMA: I walk into the back and bring out the magical sword that we got from in the crevice and hand it off to you.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Oh!

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I didn't want to... I thought that was maybe yours. I didn't want to--

TAVIMA: You claimed it. I'm not going to take a thing.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Yeah, but you're very--

TAVIMA: We're keeping it in the family. You're good.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Family? See, there that is again.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Did we get anything else cool the last time that I don't remember? We got those cloaks, we have cloaks.

HOA SEN: We did get some cloaks.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: We all have our cloaks that we've dyed to be our uniform.

HOA SEN: They were tabards, and they do give us a plus one to saving throws and plus one to AC.

MARISHA: What color did you dye them?

HOA SEN: All of them?

MARISHA: All the colors? You did a little tie-dye job?

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: What color--

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: We should synchronize our colors.

HOA SEN: Synchronize, yeah.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Green? Green.

TAVIMA: Mine's green.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Dark green?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Green.

TAVIMA: It took so much to turn this from crimson to green. And she is so proud of it, yeah.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: We're all green cloaks.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Green cloaks--

MALLORY KLAXTON: Mine was green, but I washed it

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Green cloaks going through the woods. Look, we're camouflaged.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Now it's just now. It's this awful plum.

MARISHA: Okay, nice, I love it.

HOA SEN: So they'll all be green.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Yes.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Mine's green.

MARISHA: Green, you're in green cloaks.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Yeah.

MARISHA: It's great.

TAVIMA: And the plum one.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Is that stupid? Is that--

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: No, it's great, of course.

MARISHA: No, I love it.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Green clothes.

MARISHA: I was just honestly curious, just because I want to paint a picture.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Green. 

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Well.

TAVIMA: Didn't you get-- You got an upgraded axe, too, though, yeah?

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Did I?

TAVIMA: Yeah, you did.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: How do you remember all this?

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: I got an upgraded axe.

TAVIMA: I have a-- I'm a DM. It's my job.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: I got an upgraded axe. I don't have it marked down.

TAVIMA: It's a plus one, so it's just an increase.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Oh, maybe it's already in part of my--

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I got a magical sword of some sort.

TAVIMA: Yeah, yours is also a plus one.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Jesus, this is amazing, thanks!

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: How do you know these things?

TAVIMA: I remember.

HOA SEN: Memory notes. I go to the corner. There's a large--

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Should I add a plus one to my--

TAVIMA: Yes, to hit and damage.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Laura, don't cheat on Marisha right in front of her. 

MARISHA: No, please.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: She's the DM right now.

TAVIMA: I'm sorry!

MARISHA: Go! Listen, she knows more.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Marisha, plus one to my attack and a plus one to my damage?

TAVIMA: ♪ Keep it on the down low ♪

MARISHA: Great. Amazing.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Do it on a break or something. She's right there. She can see you doing it.

MARISHA: Aabria's like, "I am your god now. Don't look at Matt Mercer." And I'm like, "Aabria is still your god now. Look at her."

TAVIMA: It's still my summer.

MARISHA: Yes, it is still the Summer of Aabria. Let's be real here.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: All right.

MARISHA: All right. Are you guys doing this on foot?

MALLORY KLAXTON: I mean, do we have an option?

TAVIMA: Did we upgrade and get horses?

HOA SEN: Oh, we never got horses. I think I'd remember having more animals.

TAVIMA: We have a deliv-- Okay, so there was definitely a period where a minor plague swept through the Grahtwood. So we have a little delivery wagon.

MARISHA: Okay, great. How are you hauling that?

HOA SEN: With a horse?

TAVIMA: It's got, like, one horse.

HOA SEN: We have one horse?

TAVIMA: It's an old, bad horse.

MARISHA: Oh, yeah.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: So we load up in the wagon?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Didn't they say it was only an hour walk?

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Yeah, I think we should just walk it.

TAVIMA: Okay.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Because it's the woods.

TAVIMA: That's fair.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Yes, right?

MALLORY KLAXTON: I'm fine walking.

TAVIMA: All right. I just look at the horse like, "Next time, buddy." 

MARISHA: He's tired. He's old. He's foaming at the mouth a little. You're not sure why.

TAVIMA: The birds.

MARISHA: It just happens sometimes.

MARISHA: It's the birds. Yeah, he's got a little avian flu.

HOA SEN: Well, no, it's not their fault. They're just doing bird things. They didn't know.

MARISHA: Okay, you guys head out. You guys know this town very well. You know exactly the smoothest and easiest entrance into the south side of the Grahtwood. And this is the Grahtwood where this area more or less has its namesake from. These woods are dense, overgrown, and you need to know of foot paths that only locals would really know of how to get through, how to follow. Somebody make a survival check for me.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: DM, by the way, just for clarity, before we left, I got my bandolier of skulls.

MARISHA: Okay, great.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Just in case.

HOA SEN: Did you take them off of the wind chime?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Yeah. 

MARISHA: as you walk.

HOA SEN: Also to be clear, we locked the doors before we left, correct? That's very important.

TAVIMA: I didn't do it.

MARISHA: You-- Hoa, you turn around to slam the door shut in the front of Grelnok's Skull Tavern. And this beautiful sign that you guys have had hand carved over these past 85 days that you're very proud of now just has this big, "Condemned by the Dominion for the public's health and safety," sign pasted right overtop of it. And it hurts a little.

HOA SEN: I do the same as last time, and I take out a quill, and I just start writing, "And we'll be just right back in a couple of days. Please remember to come back and revisit. We are not closing for good. Love, the Friends of Grenlok's Skull."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Lot of words.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Really overwritten now.

MARISHA: Yeah, it's squeezed in the margins around a bunch of litigative code and fine print.

MALLORY KLAXTON: That fourth grade sign that says, "Happy birtdy."

MARISHA: Yeah. 

MARISHA: Absolutely.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: You wrote my name wrong. You wrote Grenlok. It's Grelnok.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Grelnok.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: It's on the sign. It's Grelnok.

HOA SEN: I cross it out, and I start all over again.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh no.

HOA SEN: "And we will be just right back in a few days." 

MARISHA: There's just ink splotches.

HOA SEN: I am so sorry. Oh, I am so sorry that I made that mistake.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Well, it's been a day.

MARISHA: Yeah, just the anxiety.

HOA SEN: Now we're ready.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Yeah.

MARISHA: All right, you guys set forth into the base of the woods. And at this point in time, it's just past noon, going on one o'clock. The sun is high in the sky, and it is hot. Full, deep summer day. You can feel the sun beating onto the tops of your shoulders.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: I rolled a 19 survival check.

MARISHA: Okay, great, great. So Grelnok, you take hikes in these woods all the time.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Obviously.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Big hiker.

MARISHA: Yes, of course.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Huge hiker.

MARISHA: You know--

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: I love hikes. 

TAVIMA: That's what everyone says about you.

MARISHA: You find a familiar foot path that you have traversed before. It's a little overgrown, looks like it hasn't gotten much traffic in a little bit. But you can still see the forest through the trees and can carve your way through pretty easily to start out getting to these woods.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: As we walk, I'm going to walk next to Tavima and say: Tavima, I just wanted to say thank you. I'm sure you all have noticed that all of my quills fell out.

TAVIMA: I didn't want to say anything.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I know you didn't want to say anything, and I appreciate that. I could see-- I have seen you look at me. I've seen you look at me and see, clearly, I look different. And I just wanted to explain. I know you have unanswered questions.

TAVIMA: I have so many questions.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I'm an Argonian, as you know. We have a 50-year molt. But it's not supposed to happen for many, many more years. But I think, because of the traumatic experience that we had down in the depths, it might have prematurely molted me. This is all Elder Scrolls canon, by the way. This is all definitely true. And I appreciate you not saying anything because I've been quite self-conscious about it.

TAVIMA: You look great. You look sleeker.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I know, it's just I feel like they were a shield from the outside world to me, just keeping me-- Making me feel a little bit more secure. And now I just feel a little bit more exposed and vulnerable.

TAVIMA: I subtly pull the one that I keep in my hairdo out, wipe it off.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: You kept one?

TAVIMA: Yeah. And I give it back to you. If you want to--

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Thank you. I'll just sort of tuck it behind my ear and feel the sharp tip. That's nice. I thought I had lost all of them.

HOA SEN: Oh, goodness, are we giving him back his quills? And the note I had just written, I'm like: This was part of the guest book area.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh, you kept one, too?

HOA SEN: I thought you knew it was there, but yes.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh, okay, great.

HOA SEN: Yeah.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I'll tuck that one in the other ear.

TAVIMA: Well, now it's symmetrical.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: That's nice, that's nice.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Thanks, thanks. I appreciate it, all of you.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Oh, let me get--

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: You kept one as well? Oh, yep, that tracks. 

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: That tracks. I'm sorry to interrupt your hike. Let's just keep going. 

MARISHA: Who's leading this charge?

TAVIMA: The one that hikes.

MARISHA: All right, all right. 

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I am the one who hikes. 

HOA SEN: The greatest power of all. 

MARISHA: You hike for a bit. 30 minutes, 40, 50. And even though you know that it is broad daylight, not a cloud in the sky, it's still getting darker as the forest canopy is getting denser and denser. And still, that sticky, dewy air as the moisture from the forest floor permeates. All of you are just soaking through your clothes, drenched in sweat. And then-- Who wants to make a perception check for me?

MALLORY KLAXTON: I'll do a roll.

HOA SEN: Yes.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Yeah. 12.

MARISHA: Okay.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: It's something.

MALLORY KLAXTON: It's a number.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: It's something.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER:  It's a number.

TAVIMA: We're so here for double digits. MARISHAL There's this moment, Mallory, as everyone's walking and everyone's talking and joking and kiki-ing. You can hear birds and chipmunks. They make noise, right? And the general clatter of the forest.

MARISHA: And Mallory, after a certain moment, you notice... it's really quiet. Can't hear any birds. Can't hear any crickets.

MALLORY KLAXTON: You hear that?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: ♪ Do-do-do-do-do-do ♪

MALLORY KLAXTON: Shh!

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh, what?

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: What?

MALLORY KLAXTON: It's nothing.

TAVIMA: Were you humming the birthday song?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I was humming the birthday song.

TAVIMA: We're not at work. Power it down a little bit.

MALLORY KLAXTON: I hate to go this cliché, but it's too quiet.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: When you hike these woods, does it ever sound like this?

MALLORY KLAXTON: I'm going to very carefully take a look around.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Does it ever sound like this when I hike usually? Have I ever noticed this?

MARISHA: Go ahead and make a perception check as well.

TAVIMA: Can I give advantage by helping?

MARISHA: Sure. You're back-to-back?

TAVIMA: Yeah.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: 16?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Hey!

MARISHA: Yeah, okay. You hear what Mallory's saying, and you also take this moment to look around. And yes, it almost felt like there was this swell-- You start to now, thinking back in the past two, three minutes, there was a swell of birds chirping, and then sudden silence. And roll a survival check as well.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Ooh! 19.

MARISHA: Great.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Hey.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Killing it.

MARISHA: You know that this tends to be a sign that a predator is nearby. The birds went on alert, started squawking, making this loud ruckus, and now it seems like a lot of the woodland creatures are playing the stealth game.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: What do we do?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Glass just broke, what is that?

MARISHA: Fuck! Where's Matt Mercer sound effects when you need them? 

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: It wasn't glass?

MARISHA: It was supposed to be trees rustling.

HOA SEN: Oh!

TAVIMA: I heard it.

HOA SEN: That's what trees sound like.

MARISHA: What do trees sound like?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I think someone's shooting lasers. 

TAVIMA: It's a chipmunk! 

HOA SEN: Wrong game, wrong game. 

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: It's trees rustling?

MARISHA: You can hear some branches.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Oh, shit.

MARISHA: A stick breaks.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: -- I pull my axe out.

MALLORY KLAXTON: I am going to face that direction and prepare.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Same.

MARISHA: Make a perception check.

TAVIMA: Question.

MALLORY KLAXTON:  No. One.

MARISHA: Mallory, as you're looking deep into the forest brush, you almost get this tunnel vision as you can just see this parallax of the forest stretching on deeper and deeper for forever, it almost seems. And you are hyper-focused staring deep into the woods in the for-sure direction you heard this from. And then, from the right of you, this lizard head pokes its head out of the bushes, right into your face.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: A big lizard?

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: A friendly lizard?

HOA SEN: Yeah.

MARISHA: Kh-kh-kh-kh. I need everybody to roll initiative.

TAVIMA: Let's go! Oh, there we go.

HOA SEN: That was a little bad.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Better.

TAVIMA: Best life.

MARISHA: All right. Did anyone roll over 20? 

TAVIMA: Dirty 20.

MARISHA: Dirty 20.

HOA SEN: Ooh, dang.

TAVIMA: I hate hiking.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Lizard killing time.

MARISHA: 20 to 15? 15 to 10?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: 12.

MALLORY KLAXTON: 12.

MARISHA: Okay, who wants-- Who's go the higher dex?

MALLORY KLAXTON: 12.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: 12. 

MARISHA: You guys can choose. You guys are going at the same time.

TALIESIN and SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Boulder, parchment, shears. One more time. Boulder, parchment... There we go, I'll go first.

MARISHA: Great, that's how I wrote it down. I didn't want to change it. 10 to five?

HOA SEN: Five.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Nine.

MARISHA: Okay, Grelnok and Hoa.

HOA SEN: Rough first one here.

MARISHA: Okay. Oh, this guy's initiative. What does he do? Ooh. What do you add to their--? It's their dex mod, right?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Just make it up. 

TAVIMA: Lie.

HOA SEN: Make it a one.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Just fudge the roll.

MARISHA: It's fine.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: That's what Matt always does. 

MARISHA: That is not true. Do not attack him. Mallory, this lizard-like, bulbous head emerges from the brush. And it peers out through as it separates leaves around it. It's got this red, scaly head that's got these gray stripes that are coursing back down the side of its body.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Don't you even... Don't, nope, nope, nope.

MARISHA: Rah! And it comes after you. That's the noise that it makes.  And it's going to go for a bite attack against you.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Ka-kaw!

HOA SEN: Ka-kaw!

MARISHA:  And that is a 13 to hit.

MALLORY KLAXTON: AC is 13.

MARISHA: Okay.

HOA SEN: Is that with the plus one from your cloak?

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, we're wearing our cloaks? Did we-- Does it add--

TAVIMA: It's not built in. You have to add it.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Sweet.

MARISHA: You take 14 points of damage.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Oh my god.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: That's a lot!

MARISHA: That is a lot. And do a strength saving throw for me.

TAVIMA: We're in danger.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Not the cook.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: We're all going to die!

MALLORY KLAXTON: Nope.

MARISHA: You are knocked prone.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Okay.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Ow.

MARISHA: So the rest of you, you just hear that this forest has gone silent, and then as fast as you notice the silence, you just see Mallory full-on bum rushed by this giant dinosaur-looking lizard thing. by this giant dinosaur-looking lizard thing. And it's full-on got it in its mouth, and this thing is called a guar. It is on top of Mallory, sort of pinning him down, just snapping at him--

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh no.

MARISHA: Tsh, tsh, trying to bite with its teeth. And you just see a huge chunk taken out of Mallory's shoulder from the direction he came from.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: I'm assuming we've seen or run across these before in the woods?

MARISHA: You have. These are pretty common in the woods. So you do, you are familiar with these creatures. Okay. Tavima, you are up.

TAVIMA: Sweet. Okay, you are prone, but not grappled by this, right?

MARISHA: Correct.

TAVIMA: Okay, so I want to run over and do my best to interpose myself between the guar and Mallory. And my bonus action, I'm going to use a stamina for Shield Wall and then peek overtop of it and cast Sunfire and go: Hiking is bullshit. And hit it with an attack.

MARISHA: Make your attack.

TAVIMA: Does an 18 hit?

MARISHA: That hits.

TAVIMA: Cool, cool, cool. 20 points of-- 3d8 fire damage-- Oh, yeah, sorry. Yeah, 20 points of fire damage.

MARISHA: Damn!

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: That's a lot.

MARISHA: That is a lot.

TAVIMA: Is there any other enemy near or around this? Is it just him?

MARISHA: That was your bonus, right?

TAVIMA: That was my action.

MARISHA: That was your action.

TAVIMA: Yeah.

MARISHA: Yeah, go ahead and make a perception check.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: We're fighting guar. Are we fighting Scorpions, or AC/DC or--

MARISHA: There is green goo falling from the trees. What was that?

TAVIMA: 13.

MARISHA: Ksh. Ksh-ksh-ksh, those are trees.  From the opposite side, you realize you are being flanked as another dinosaur lizard-like raptor thing comes out of the corner on the opposite side of you.

TAVIMA: Okay. It's worse! I just yell that and stay here and try to body block for my boy.

MARISHA: And Mallory, you're up.

MALLORY KLAXTON: I'm going to stand up.

MARISHA: Okay.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Bonus action, Dark Exchange to heal. Burn the stanima.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: He said it!

MALLORY KLAXTON: I did.

TAVIMA: Ah!

MALLORY KLAXTON: And I regain... Seven hit points.

MARISHA: Okay.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: That's good.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Yeah, it's better. Now, I'm going to turn towards the one that's rushing right now, and I'm going to use the Force Shock for a 25-foot cone.

MARISHA: Okay.

MALLORY KLAXTON: So anything else that's in there is also-- That's a constitution saving throw.

MARISHA: Okay. Do you have to roll against it?

MALLORY KLAXTON: It's 14, yeah. DC 14.

MARISHA: He fails.

MALLORY KLAXTON: That's fine, because I rolled really terribly. That's five points of force damage.

MARISHA: Okay.

MALLORY KLAXTON: And anyone else who was in there.

MARISHA: Boof, you see as you do this, just chunks, especially after Tavima just scorched the front of its flesh, and you come back with this radiating boom of magical energy, and just where was already charred on the front of this lizard creature's, you know, front face, just chunks of flesh start sloughing off of it, and flying backwards from the force damage. He's looking very rough.

TAVIMA: Heck yes.

MARISHA: And is that your turn, Mallory?

MALLORY KLAXTON: Yep.

MARISHA: Slaughter Grimm.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I see my friend in trouble. So the guar that attacked him is still alive, right?

MARISHA: Barely.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Barely, okay. I'm going to draw my sword, my magical sword. Was it a flame sword, do we remember? I don't know.

TAVIMA: I didn't even remember the bonus.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Let's say that it's a flame sword.

MARISHA: Okay.

MICHELLE and TAVIMA: Yay!

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: And I'm going to--  I'm going to run at the creature. Ah, get off my cook! And I'm going to attack with my sword.

MARISHA: It starts snapping at you a little bit in your direction just out of defense. This is a cornered animal.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Okay, I'm going to just roll. Oh, that's a one.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Oh, oh no! It begins!

MARISHA: Full as it backs up, and it just sees you coming, because you came running at it, screaming. And it just dodges as it snaps in your direction.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Okay.  Well, I'm going to use momentum! I'm going to spend a stanima!

MARISHA: All right, it staggers a little bit, and it is almost like it's casing you, it's almost walking around you.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I get a second attack. Oh, against another creature. Well, no, I don't.  That's it!

MARISHA: Its jaws snap around you again.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I'm going to use the rest of my motion movement to get away, to get away. Will it get an attack of opportunity on me?

MARISHA: No.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Okay.

MARISHA: Because I'm feeling nice.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Nice.

MARISHA: Grelnok, it's your turn.

TAVIMA: Good try.

MARISHA: Yeah.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: How close am I to the creatures?

MARISHA: Okay, so I would say you're about 20 feet or so from the one that was coming after Mallory and Slaughter. But the other one is more or less flanked pretty close to you, it's about five, 10 feet away, as it is now starting to flank you.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Okay, and Tavima is over at the one. I would get flanking advantage on the other one, right?

MARISHA: Yes, Tavima is facing off against the right side.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: All right, then I want to get behind it.

MARISHA: Okay.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: And I'm going to-- I think this-- Can I get advantage if I use my Molten Whip?

MARISHA: Yep, sounds great, sure.

HOA SEN: 

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: So I'm going to use my Molten Whip to spend two magicka and send out a fiery, red hot whip that can strike an enemy up to 30 feet away.

MARISHA: That's sick.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: And I'm going to try to whip it and yank it towards me.

MARISHA: Okay, away from these guys.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Yes.

MARISHA: Okay, go for it.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: All right.  What do I do? I roll.

TAVIMA: You've got this.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: It's not in my brain-- hold on. It's not in my battle axe, so how do I do this?  I make a spell attack. Okay. 14.

MARISHA: That hits.

TAVIMA: Yes.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Sweet! Okay, so if it's a large creature or smaller. Is it large or smaller?

MARISHA: It is large.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Sweet, then it pulls 10 feet closer to me, and I do 4d6 fire damage.

TAVIMA: Do I get an attack of opportunity as it leaves my threatened area?

MARISHA: Yeah, I think you would, yeah.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Nice.

MARISHA: If she's ripping it away, yeah.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: 10 fire damage as it's pulled towards me.

MARISHA: So you yank on this whip, and as the flaming whip wraps around its neck, and sears into what's already been pretty heavily damaged and burned from Tavima, and then Mallory's force damage. As you yank, the whip just cauterizes, and crushes its throat. And the head comes off--

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh!

MARISHA: And not the rest of the body, and it is dead.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Yeah!

TAVIMA: Dope!

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Nice!

TAVIMA: I hit the rest of it. 

MARISHA: Yeah, so you're super psyched and yeah, yeah.

TAVIMA: I just like tuck my sword into my armor, and clap at you.

MARISHA: Its tail twitches--

TAVIMA: That was dope.

MARISHA: -- a little as you hit its rear end.

TAVIMA: Love it.

MARISHA: Yeah, and now it's dead.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Okay, so, as my bonus action, I'm going to use Venomous Claw. I'm going to turn around and go for the other one.

MARISHA: Okay.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: All right. And I'm going to strike out with my claws, and go, hah!

MARISHA: Okay, make an attack roll.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: This is a melee, no? Turn it melee, oh wait, it says, in melee, as well as it's treated as a melee weapon attack, okay. So that is a 21.

MARISHA: That definitely hits.

TAVIMA: Let's go!

HOA SEN: Dang!

MARISHA: For sure.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Grelnok.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Plus my strength, muddafudda!

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Grel.

MARISHA: Grelnok before you enter.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Sure, sure, that's a thing.

MARISHA: 

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I was going to say, Grel say nok you out, but no.

MARISHA: Oh! ♪ Mama said knock you out. ♪

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: So that's 10 poison damage to the guar.

MARISHA: All right.

TAVIMA: It harder about a second after.  

MARISHA: Excellent turn. Hoa, you are up.

HOA SEN: Is there any space between Grelnok, and the newer, still alive monster? Or are they locked in?

MARISHA: She's pretty tight against him now, due to making these claw attacks. But it is definitely distracted by Grelnok, and you know, trying to survey the scene. So you do still have an opening on its backside, if you would like.

HOA SEN: Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm. Okay, I'm going to try to set Barbed Trap.

MARISHA: Okay.

HOA SEN: So I spend three stamina, and there is a Barbed Trap, the 15-foot line, or a five-foot radius, the 15-foot line behind it, right behind it.

MARISHA: Okay.

HOA SEN: And if it crosses that, it has to make a DC 13 dex save throw, or take damage.

MARISHA: Okay.

HOA SEN: So I set it, and a bunch of little sort of bugs come out of my fingers, and you see them make a little line, a straight black line behind the creature.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Cool.

HOA SEN: If someone could just tip it backwards three inches, that'd be great.

MARISHA: Perfect. You see all of the little buggies, with their little spikies go out. All right, top of the turn. It is the new guar's turn. It is squared off against you, Grelnok, so it's going to immediately attempt to protect itself. What is that? That is not great. That is not a great. 10, 10 to hit.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: It doesn't hit me.

MARISHA: All right. Its jaws try and snap around you, you successfully block, bashes its jaw against your-- do you have a shield?

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: No, just really strong forearms.

MARISHA: Okay, great, yeah, just like, ah, ah! It can't speak, but that's what it's doing in its head. That's its turn. It's going to stay in melee with you. You are currently its biggest threat. And Tavima, you are up.

TAVIMA: Sweet. Is this 10 feet away from me? This one's the one on the other side, so it's a little farther away.

MARISHA: Yeah, I'd say it's like 15.

TAVIMA: Perfect.

MARISHA: Yeah, 20ish.

TAVIMA: Okay, bonus action, I'm going to cast Backlash. So make a DC 15 Con save.

MARISHA: All right. It saves.

TAVIMA: Shoot.

MARISHA: It rolled exactly a 15.

TAVIMA: Yeah. Okay, never mind. So I'm like: Anyway. And I'm going to Shield Charge it.

HOA SEN: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

MARISHA: Okay, cool.

TAVIMA: All right, so.

HOA SEN: Push it, push it, push it.

MARISHA: Mallory, you're on deck.

TAVIMA: Okay, what is it? Two stamina, oh, shield is a melee weapon. Plus five, 19 to hit.

MARISHA: That hits.

TAVIMA: Cool, so 3d6. Eight plus three. 11 points of bludgeoning damage.

MARISHA: Amazing.

TAVIMA: And I need a DC 13 Strength saving throw.

HOA SEN: All right.

TAVIMA: Or I'm going to knock it prone. And that's a free action, so we're going to be here for a second.

MARISHA: Strength saving throw. It fails.

TAVIMA: Sweet.

MARISHA: Good work.

TAVIMA: So it's knocked prone, and I have advantage on attacking something while it's prone, yeah?

MARISHA: Yes, absolutely.

TAVIMA: So then, with my action, I'm going to attack it with my longsword.

MARISHA: Do it.

HOA SEN: Yay.

TAVIMA: Dirty 20 to hit.

MARISHA: Hits.

TAVIMA: Sweet.

HOA SEN: I hope so.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Did it fall on whatever you were--

HOA SEN: Yeah, my trap is going to--

TAVIMA: And then 10 points of piercing damage.

MARISHA: Perfect.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Girl.

MARISHA: And then it stammers back. And it's already just looking super rough, and it falls backwards onto your Barbed Trap. Make your--

TAVIMA: Ooh, let's go!

HOA SEN: One, two, three, oh, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13 damage.

MARISHA: How do you both want to do this?

HOA SEN: Ah!

TAVIMA: Yeah! I'll run over and I'm less concerned about knocking it prone, so I hit it low to push it backwards instead of knocking it down, and that little extra push with my sword is just to get it back, so that it staggers back and it--

HOA SEN: And then the flies do this crazy shit where they all spit-- Where they all, they spit, and instead of saliva, fly saliva, which probably exists, it's the little barbs. So they all hook into its body, and they tear it apart, and that's the Barbed Trap.

MARISHA: Oh!

TAVIMA: Yes!

HOA SEN: His flesh goes everywhere, flying in every direction.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: And it sounds like "Ch, ch, ch."

MARISHA: Ch, ch, ch. Yeah, it's all the same sound effect, yeah.  Yeah, as the flies start to consume its body, and it's one of those things where you see the face of this guar, and then you don't, suddenly, from where all it is is just a mass of writhing flies as they like begin to crawl inside of his mouth, and just start to instantly consume the corpse.

HOA SEN: Ooh, yay, it worked. Is everyone okay?

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Good job. That was nasty.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Are you all right?

MALLORY KLAXTON: I hate hiking.

TAVIMA: That's what I said.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: I like hiking.

HOA SEN: I quite like the outdoors, it's where all my friends live.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Do you need to be healed?

MALLORY KLAXTON: I mean, a little. I'm all right, a little wouldn't hurt. I'm a little.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Can you heal now?

TAVIMA: Can you heal people?

MALLORY KLAXTON: Do you know how to heal?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I can do a little.

MALLORY KLAXTON: I'll take a little.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Unless.

HOA SEN: I can do this thing only once per short rest.

TAVIMA: Well, we could take a little break.

HOA SEN: We could take a little break.

TAVIMA: I feel like once you kill two giant dinosaurs in the woods--

HOA SEN: Sure, okay.

TAVIMA: -- you deserve a nap.

HOA SEN: So I spend one magicka, I have an area of healing mushroom, it's a 10-foot radius. Anyone in the zone gains 1d4 hit points every turn for three rounds, or until it has restored 20 total hit points, whichever comes first. So is anyone else damaged besides Mallory?

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: He'll just sit in the whole time and take the 20.

HOA SEN: So you get 20.

MALLORY KLAXTON: That did it. I just rolled real well--

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Wait, you get to roll?

MALLORY KLAXTON: I rolled four and four, so.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh, great.

HOA SEN: Okay, I mean, if you sit there long enough, you'll get 20, so.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Yeah, I'm back. That'll do it.

HOA SEN: Just so you know, it's a bunch of mushrooms, and it looks really cool, and I have mushrooms here, but I can't reach you, but.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Oh, cute.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Can I, oh. 

HOA SEN: They're hitting the light.

MALLORY KLAXTON: I don't know where that last one went.

MARISHA: I don't know either! It just vanished! 

TAVIMA: You are breaking my athlete heart, you got to stop.

MARISHA: Yeah. 

TAVIMA: You got to stop.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Ping, ping, ping.

MALLORY KLAXTON: I'm going to grab few--

TAVIMA: This is bad to see.

MALLORY KLAXTON: I've got a little.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Cameras have a crack in them.  I've got a little truffle bag, I'm going to put of these mushrooms in my truffle bag.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: That's nice.

MARISHA: How long are you guys resting?

MALLORY KLAXTON: Just a short rest.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh, we need to rest for, what, an hour or something?

MARISHA: But yeah, you said your spell, it's not an hour thing, is it?

HOA SEN: No, but for the spell to work, it's just, sitting around for three rounds, whatever that is. And then, to refresh it, I need a short rest. So I'm fine.

MARISHA: Okay.

TAVIMA: Nothing bad has ever happened to us where we should have learned to take a short rest. So we're good, we should just keep going.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: We should keep going.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh, without resting? I agree completely.  Let's do it.

MARISHA: Okay. You've been trekking through these woods for about an hour now. Kind of trying to do the math in your head, based on what Diven told you, and maybe 30, maybe an hour or more time. Someone make another survival check for me.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I'll do it.

MARISHA: Okay.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I'll just reach down and grab a handful of nirn.

MARISHA: Mm. 

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Just to see if I can--

HOA SEN: So much knowledge is in here. 

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: -- if I can sort of figure out the direction.

HOA SEN: God.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Natural 20.

HOA SEN: It's all happening!

MARISHA: Incredible.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: You found your calling!

MARISHA: As the nirn sifts through your fingertips-- 

MARISHA: -- and tumbles down your forearm.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: That's fresh nirn.

MARISHA: You smell it.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Eat it.

MARISHA: You look up, you look behind you. You look forward again, and you look down, and you can see little granules of moss and lichen.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Sure.

MARISHA: And you know this lichen only grows under patches of sunlight, as you start to reach the outskirts of the forest.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh, yeah.

MARISHA: And it always, and then you look, and you see this rock, and it's got moss growing on the side of it. You know moss only grows on the north side facing rock.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I do know that.

MARISHA: You are heading in the right direction, and you probably only have about 30 or so minutes left. And with that natural 20, you are a little bit expedited in your journey.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: On my six, let's do this.

TAVIMA: I respond to strong commands, I'm a former soldier. I immediately fall into line.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Okay.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Slaughter. That was hot.

TAVIMA: Yeah.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Really?

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: You can come on a hike with me anytime. 

TAVIMA: I just push you because behind you, let's go!

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Okay, okay. I just wanted to just bask in that for a second, but okay.

TAVIMA: No, no, no, I'm second, go! Shoot your shoot.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Okay, shoot my shot, oh, like go, oh. So. Anytime you want to hike, you want to--

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Fucking walk. 

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Cool, cool. Cool. Cool. Uh-huh. Once you've had a Grimm, you know--

MARISHA: 

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: You like him. 

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: That's what they say.

TAVIMA: Oh no.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Wow.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: All right, I'm going to forge ahead into the forest.

MARISHA: And with embarrassment as the wind under your sails, you, with pure determination, walk forward through the rest of the forest. In about 20, 30 minutes, eventually the trees part, and you start to see this clearing where there's a little bit of a hillside that's starting to emerge, where the edge of the forest doesn't necessarily grow on the emerging hillside. And with the sunlight now peeking through more and more, you can start to feel the heat of the summer months that you are deep within. And you see Orimen Granoth's small stone cabin nestled in the base of this hillside. It's once again very quiet, very dark in this cabin. Doesn't really seem to be a lot of activity around it. You see old mining equipment strewn about the yard. And upon initial glance, no real sign of any life anywhere.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Does it look like the shit thrown everywhere, is that placed, left behind, or does it look like it was thrown?

MARISHA: Do you want to get closer?

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Yeah!

MARISHA: Okay. Go ahead and make an investigation check.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Yeah!

TAVIMA: Investigation.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Nine. 

MARISHA: You know, I don't know, maybe this guy is just really messy, and he leaves his stuff there. You do get closer to it, and you see that-- bend down, and look at this pickaxe, and there is rust that is starting to take over where the head of the pickaxe and the wooden handle meet, and starting to consume the rest of the pickaxe.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Think a master mason would take better care of his tools.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Hmm.

TAVIMA: Well, he's probably dead then, right?

HOA SEN: Or on vacation.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Going to walk all the way around.

MARISHA: Okay.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Just taking a look.

MARISHA: As you walk forward, you can clearly see the front-facing facade of this cabin. And Mallory, as you start to do your loop, you get to the base of the mountain, and you realize that this cabin is actually built into the front of the mountain. You cannot do a full perimeter on the outside.

TAVIMA: That's super cool.

MALLORY KLAXTON: It's a set; it's not a real cabin. 

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: It's a flat?

MALLORY KLAXTON: It's just a flat.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Damn.

TAVIMA: You were by a mountain, right?

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Yeah.

TAVIMA: Why don't we build Grelnok's Skull into the mountain?

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Yeah.

TAVIMA: Like this.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: This is sick.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: We're going to move the location of our place?

TAVIMA: 10 feet back from where it is.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Why don't we just take this place? He's obviously dead. 

MALLORY KLAXTON: I'm going to try the door.

TAVIMA: We can franchise.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Just open it or knock?

MALLORY KLAXTON: I mean, we're making noise. I'm going to knock, then open it.

MARISHA: Nothing.

MALLORY KLAXTON: I'm going to try and open it.

MARISHA: No problem.

MALLORY KLAXTON: I've ceased to care about politeness at this point, it's been a day. I am walking in and taking a look around.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Does it smell like old food?

MARISHA: It does, precisely. A little bit of old food, a little bit of that musty attic smell, like a sleeping bag that you haven't used in years. And it is dark inside. Especially with this cabin being built into the base of the mountain. There's not really a lot of opportunities inside of it for natural light, and those windows that are there are so coated in dust that not a lot of light pierces through.

MALLORY KLAXTON: I got darkvision.

MARISHA: Great.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I can give us some light, if you want.

MALLORY KLAXTON: No, no, no, no.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I'm eager to please.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Okay.

MARISHA: Inside of the cabin has the same feel as the outside, all the signs of life are deeply dated. You look over, and there's, in the corner, a little side table, and there's this tankard that is scorched on the bottom that was clearly used as a coffee mug that whoever was here last would throw over the fire to make their morning coffee. You look in the bottom of the tankard, and there's this thick layer of muck at the bottom. Long dry, long sitting there. You look in the other opposite corner of the room, and there is a dusty bedroll, and a small, rickety, very handmade bed frame. And the mattress pad is flung and off of the side of the bed. It looks like rodents have gotten in, and stolen some of the stuffing. This place is just reeking of sheer entropy from the universe.

MALLORY KLAXTON: So there's nothing moving around.

MARISHA: Make a perception check.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Why do I even bother?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: 

MALLORY KLAXTON: Nine, I miss my old character. 

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Do you need me to put some light in there, or--?

MALLORY KLAXTON: Yeah, fine.

MARISHA: Okay.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I'll take a skull off my bandolier.

HOA SEN: Ooh, finally.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: And whisper some necromatic words to it. Set it on fire, and put it, and take out Rex, and put it on top and say: Buoyant, buoyant!

MARISHA: Oh, brilliant.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: And so it's going to float around, lighting, casting Light.

MARISHA: That's amazing.

MALLORY KLAXTON: It's pretty impressive.

MARISHA: Rex hovers throughout, and starts going deeper into this cabin. And you quickly start to realize-- It's not a big cabin. And as Rex floats deeper within, you notice that there is no wall. There are three walls. Where the fourth wall would be is completely cored out into the mountain. And there is this upward angled slope, this tunnel that is carved with leftover mining rubble and ore and debris that has fallen down this mining shaft and ore and debris that has fallen down this mining shaft from where whoever was living here, whoever was operating this place, decided to core into the side of the mountain from the inside of their house, making the front of it the living space, and the back side of it their own personal mining endeavor.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Cool.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Would be a hell of a bed and breakfast if he kept building this out.

MARISHA: There's a gathering of rocks that litter the floor at the base of this slope that have slowly slimmed down, and have been placed there by gravity over time. Do you go deeper?

MALLORY KLAXTON: I mean. We going?

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: I mean, yeah, does it-- Is there sign of a struggle? Is there blood, is there--?

MARISHA: Make an investigation check.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Anybody looking with me?

TAVIMA: I'll help.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER:  Ooh, dirty 20!

TAVIMA: Yeah!

MARISHA: Okay, excellent.

TAVIMA: Yeah!

MARISHA: You can, seeing the state of everything, you look down. There really is no floor in this cabin. It's more or less just leveled dirt and rock and bedrock that whoever built this made whatever was here, this flat surface, their flooring. And there's a thick layer of dust over top of it. And you do see some footprints that seem newer than everything else, considering the state that this place is in. It feels a little out of place.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Leading to the door, just shuffling around, into the--

MARISHA: They are facing towards this upward-facing slope tunnel.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Someone was here before us.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Well.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Might I remind us, we came here to get our foundation repaired? We're not monster hunters, or detectives, or anything. We can just turn around, and go home right now if we wanted to.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Maybe Orimen's down there, down the cave.

HOA SEN: Yeah, maybe the footsteps are his, and he's taking a little break down there.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Maybe he's trapped down there because some rocks fell, and he'll give a very, very nice discount to somebody who helps.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Maybe he'll do it for free if we save his life.

TAVIMA: Maybe he's dead and all of his good stuff is inside, and we take that for the fine.

HOA SEN: Oh.

TAVIMA: I'm sorry, I do not believe that-- This is disgusting. He's not alive, right? Right?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: What if he's just like a--

TAVIMA: Like a sad hoarder?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Yeah.

MALLORY KLAXTON: He's got a nice SCOBY growing in that cup right there.

TAVIMA: Yeah, there's kombucha. 

TAVIMA: I see you. Take the SCOBY!

MALLORY KLAXTON: Yeah, thank you.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: You should take it.

TAVIMA: You should take it.

MARISHA: Honestly, that is valuable.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Yeah.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Give the SCOBY a sniff.

MARISHA: That's a nice little starter.

TAVIMA: Any good?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: It needs to be fed.

MALLORY KLAXTON: It does. I mean, that's pretty popular. If we have that on tap, that could go over well.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: A kombucha? An alcoholic kombucha would go over great.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Booze hooch.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Isn't that basically what the moldy tap is?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Like a little ginger cranberry kombucha.

TAVIMA: Yeah.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: I mean.

TAVIMA: We could put it in the moldy tap line, and then never clean it.

MARISHA: Mallory, as you--

MALLORY KLAXTON: Thinking some jumbleberries really have a-- it'll bring the flavor out real well.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: I'm thinking we should put it in a thingy.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Jumbleberry hooch.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: I don't know, I don't know how you do it.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I like it.

TAVIMA: This is great.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: We'll make kombucha.

MALLORY KLAXTON: I'm going to put it in my canteen very, very carefully.

MARISHA: You know when there's a thick layer of mold that sloughs in, slides out of the mug, that's what it does.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Where it's kind of stuck to the edges?

MARISHA: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got to-- but it comes out perfectly disk-shaped at the bottom.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Yeah, a fried egg, almost.

MARISHA: Yes, yes!

MALLORY KLAXTON: I'm want to be able to talk to kombucha.

TAVIMA: You have to.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Talk to Plants would work on kombucha, I think.

HOA SEN: Yeah, it's alive.

MALLORY KLAXTON: It's a mushroom.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Is that a thing you have?

MALLORY KLAXTON: No, but if I did--

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh, damn.

HOA SEN: Maybe you'll find it, a spell in a case.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Somebody at home is going, "Ah." 

MALLORY KLAXTON: My animal will be a kombucha. 

HOA SEN: Don't you think if this place was made by a stonemason that this foundation's really good, Can we just take it? Is that how that works?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I don't think that's how it works.

HOA SEN: No?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: No.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: You know, you're right, though. Now I'm realizing we should've got a cart.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh!

TAVIMA: Thank you! 

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I shouldn't have negged that, I'm so sorry.

TAVIMA: It's fine, I know you guys haven't been as interested in the cart situation. It was a limited use thing, but that horse, every time I look in his eyes, it makes me cry.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: But you know he'd probably die trying to carry that stuff.

TAVIMA: Probably. He would've been eaten by those big dinosaur things.

MALLORY KLAXTON: It's definitely a panic purchase, let's not--

TAVIMA: Yeah, I get stressed.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: My skull's going to run out soon. Should we go? Should we pursue and go in?

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: I also have this torch that I ripped off the wall.  I'm going to light it from the skull, yeah.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Yeah.

HOA SEN: Yeah.

TAVIMA: I want to nudge the skull towards the front.

MARISHA: The sound of fire. And plants, and glass.

TAVIMA: Oh, I want to nudge the skull to the front of Rex, so it looks like Rex is a little animal.

MARISHA: Oh, that's great, yeah!

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: That's so cute!

HOA SEN: Yeah.

TAVIMA: Like a little Ghost Rider.

MARISHA: He totally is a little Ghost Rider.

HOA SEN: Oh yeah.

MARISHA: He does a little dance. He kind of--

TAVIMA: Oh, that's the cutest thing I've ever seen.

MARISHA: Has his own little haunted mansion show that happens. You can see the wires. 

MARISHA: All right, are you guys all moving to the base?

HOA SEN: Yes.

MARISHA: Someone make a perception check for me.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Wow, you haven't--

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

HOA SEN: Yeah, I can perceive it, I've got a plus five.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Oh yeah. Great, you should be perceiving.

TAVIMA: Oh god, yes, what?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Those ears that can hear!

HOA SEN: They can hear everything that you're all thinking and saying. That is a 19! 

TAVIMA: What?

MARISHA: And with--

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Where have you been?

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Why don't you ever do this?

HOA SEN: I was just going to say, everyone seems so eager to do it, and I just want to support, be support staff.

MARISHA: With your keen Altmer hearing, and those amazing ears, you pick up, over all of the ruckus your party is making. you pick up, over all of the ruckus your party is making. No, no, now it's going to sound like every other sound effect.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Chh. 

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Something has caught on fire.

HOA SEN: Someone's playing a drum, an old drum set, like a child's drum set. 

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Taiko drum.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: The bottom broke at the very end.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Someone told a joke.

HOA SEN: It was sort of to the tune of "Merry Christmas," or "Happy Birthday," I'm sorry.

TALIESIN, AABRIA, and GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: "Merry Birthday."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: So you heard something? 

HOA SEN: I mean, yeah, I heard, there's definitely movement done there, and indistinguishable sounds, so.  It's quite a mystery, but there is movement, absolutely. Or water.

MARISHA: Y'all hear it again. And as it rolls towards you, you realize this was a rock. 

HOA SEN: Okay.

MARISHA: Falling down the slopey hillside, and tumbles towards your feet, yes.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Right, but as if something or someone moved it, because they're scrambling away from us, or heard us coming, or?

MARISHA: And with you saying that, you hear, "No!"

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh shit.

TAVIMA: You nailed it.

MARISHA: Everyone who was standing at the base of the hillside, which I think is all of you at this point, need to make a dexterity save for me, as you see giant boulders.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Ooh, hey.

MARISHA: That start rolling down the hill.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Natural 20!

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: 15.

TAVIMA: Nice!

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: 15 over here.

MARISHA: Great.

MALLORY KLAXTON: 10.

MARISHA: Okay.

TAVIMA: Nine.

MARISHA: Okay.

MALLORY KLAXTON: You have a plus one on saves, by the way.

HOA SEN: 19!

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: We do?

TAVIMA: 10.

HOA SEN: Then 20!

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Why?

TAVIMA: Thank you!

MALLORY KLAXTON: Because of the cloak.

HOA SEN: The cloaks.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Plus one to all saves?

MALLORY KLAXTON: Plus one to saves and your AC.

MARISHA: While Grelnok and Slaughter Grimm, you all save, and you see these boulders tumbling, unfortunately, Tavima and Mallory, you, leading this charge, are not able to back away, and you take, you both take, hang on. Seven, mmph, that was a good roll, seven points of bludgeoning damage, and are pinned under these--

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: No!

MARISHA: -- giant boulders.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Oh, for god's sake.

MARISHA: And then you hear just a more, it kind of sounds like water, but it is not water. It is the rushing sound of rubble tumbling down this hill. As you see four humanoids start to slide down this hill towards you. I need everybody to roll for initiative!

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Here we go!

HOA SEN: Oh, humanoids.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Tight.

MARISHA: Anyone over 20? 20 to 20, 20 to 15?

TAVIMA: 16.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: 18.

TAVIMA: Let's go! Brother Grimm.

MARISHA: Okay, Slaughter.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: That's awesome. That's your new name.

HOA SEN: I like that.

TAVIMA: The Brother Grimm.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Brother Grimm is fucking hot.

MARISHA: Let me also real quick--

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I like it. I like it.

MARISHA: -- roll for these guys.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: It's good.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Brother Grimm.

TAVIMA: Thanks!

TAVIMA: I learned it from you!

HOA SEN: But we're not all siblings, right? Just in case, you know.

MARISHA: Okay. You said you were a 13.

TAVIMA: 16.

MARISHA: 16, okay. 15 to 10.

MALLORY KLAXTON: 11.

MARISHA: Okay. Okay. 10 to five.

HOA SEN: Nine.

MARISHA: That's everybody, right?

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: No.

HOA SEN: Oh.

MARISHA: Grelnok-- Grelnok.  Bringing up the rear.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Oh wait, I lied. 

MARISHA: Okay, it doesn't change much.

TAVIMA: It's hurtful, the way you put that.

MARISHA: Slaughter, you are going first. As you see four humanoid people, clearly, like, ragtag looking sellswords, but these are pretty beefy dudes. Are more or less gliding, surfing down the edge of this hill and they are coming straight towards you.  You go first.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Are they clumped together?

MARISHA: They're spread out. You see three of them are more or less leading the charge in front. And then one of them who was the one who shouted, "Now," is following up the rears.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Are any of the four within 10 feet of each other?

MARISHA: They will be shortly. Oh, within 10 feet of each other?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Yeah, like next to each other.

MARISHA: Yes, I would say the three in front.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: And how far about are they from me right now?

MARISHA: At this point, I mean, they're quickly coming within range to you.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Okay. Well, whenever they get in range, even if I have to hold the action to do so, I'm going to cast a spell learned from my forefathers, Massacre and Felony, my mom and dad. 

HOA SEN: Hear that lore drop.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I'm going to spend two stanimas, and I'm going to cast Trapping Webs at them, which it's a 10-foot wide net of webbing that I hope will catch at least two of them as they run down into it. They have to make a dexterity DC saving throw or get grappled.

MARISHA: Okay. You're seeing an orsimer and then two nords that are leading the charge.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I know what those are.

MARISHA: You're just trying to use your best judgment, a DC what saving throw?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: 14!

MARISHA: Strength, you said?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Dex.

MARISHA: Dex, okay, all right. Straight rolls. Mm, okay. Trying to go for the two that are coming at you directly in front of you. One of them does save for it, but you do hit the orsimer.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: All right. What is an orsimer?

MARISHA: It's an orc-- It's a half-orc.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh, sorry. I didn't mean-- No offense. I-- I-- okay.

MARISHA: 

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: So they are grappled for the rest of this turn.

MARISHA: Okay.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: And then at the beginning of my next turn, the net's going to explode.

MARISHA: Okay, amazing. So as you see these guys in there, they look really cool coming down this mountain, and then you web and snare this half-orc and he just. Just ass over tea kettle.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Nice.

MARISHA: Starts rolling down the hill fully grappled.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Nice!

TAVIMA: Love it.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: That's good, I could use a bonus action. Nah, no, I'm good, that's it.

MARISHA: Tavima.

TAVIMA: Am I pinned next to Mallory?

MARISHA: I'd say you're about 10 feet apart.

TAVIMA: Can I uns-- I want to prioritize getting the two of us unstuck.

MARISHA: Okay.

TAVIMA: So what do I do?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Yeah, I should have done that, sorry.

TAVIMA: That's okay.  You stuck a new person, that's great.

MARISHA: The way that boulder hit and you brace, knowing that the impact was coming, your left leg is a little bit caught. You still have use of your upper body, but your legs down are a bit stuck. So whatever you would like to do, figure that out.

TAVIMA: Yeah, I think I'm going to try to pry my shield in to give myself enough room to get free and loose and then try to spend the rest of my time getting Mallory pried out.

MARISHA: Okay, make a strength check.

TAVIMA: Sweet. Was that an athletics check, you say?

MARISHA: Yeah, that works. 

MARISHA: It's strength-based.

TAVIMA: It's strength-based, 21.

MARISHA: Yep. Oh, great, yeah, no problem. You and with a topple over. You were able to use that leverage to move them.

TAVIMA: I just want to push him out and away from the rubble.

MARISHA: Okay.

TAVIMA: And then if we're still stuck in that area, then I'm going to throw up bonus action Shield Wall, to brace for whatever's coming.

MARISHA: Okay.

TAVIMA: As I watch the one dude roll up, I'm like: You suck!

MARISHA: Perfect. Yeah, you're able to get yourself free. There are two different boulders, so Mallory is still a little bit caught, but you are there bracing, guarding against him.

TAVIMA: Okay.

MARISHA: And then it is their turn. So the orsimer, he is-- Oh, he has to make a strength check to get out of--

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: On my turn.

MARISHA: What does he have to do to break from your web?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: "On your turn, they may make a DC 16 strength check to escape."

MARISHA: Okay. He succeeds with a natural 18. So you see this orc roll down the end of the hill and. He rips his shirt open and it's kind of hot.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Damn you.

MARISHA: The web is, you know, out of it. It did use his turn.

TAVIMA: ... sucks. 

HOA SEN: Has both.

MARISHA: And he's using the rest of his movement to stand up. The other two, the first one is going to go after you, and he's going to come at you with a scimitar attack.

TAVIMA: Love that.

MARISHA: And he rolled a natural one.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh, nice.

MARISHA: So full on, just hits your shield, no effect. The second one is going to go after Grelnok.

MARISHA: That, I believe, hits with the 20 total.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Ooh, yeah.

MARISHA: Okay. Ugh, and he rolled a one for damage. So you take three slashing damage. He's caught a little bit off-guard by this whole situation, distracted by his friend, so he shears your side a little bit. And then in the back, the one who's still perched, he's found this ledge, this-- What is it? Foothold, and pulls out a crossbow-- Nope, nope. He pulls out two daggers.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Yeah!

MARISHA: And he's going to go for the two casters in the back, to Hoa and Slaughter Grimm. 

MARISHA: Oh, my gosh, that is a natural one to the one for Hoa. But to the one for Grimm, that is 21 to hit.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Hits, but I will use my reaction to cast a Bone Shield on myself.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Nice.

MARISHA: Ooh!

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Shielded by the power of my bone.

HOA SEN: All right, all right.

MARISHA: What does that do?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: It adds 2d6 temporary HP-- that stands for hit points-- to me.

MARISHA: Wow.

HOA SEN: What does that look like?

MARISHA: You must play RPGs, like Elder Scrolls Online.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Elder Scrolls Online is a fine game, available for the first time everywhere. She said that at some point.

MARISHA: I don't know why it was in the-- I don't know. I read what was on the paper.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: They just started selling Elder Scrolls Online. 

MARISHA: Okay, so you're taking those temporary hit points.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Which, I got 11 temporary hit points.

TAVIMA: Nice.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Wow.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: So bring it.

TAVIMA: It does.

MARISHA: Okay, you take eight damage.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Doesn't do shit.

MARISHA: Ricochets off of your bone shield, the dagger getting wedged in.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: In my bone?

MARISHA: In your bone. Mallory, you're up.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Ugh.

MARISHA: Hoa, you're on deck.

MALLORY KLAXTON: So the layout right now, are any of these guys in a clump right now, or any of these guys standing next to each other?

MARISHA: There're the two nords who have successfully come down the mountain that are a little bit more clumped together, I'd say within 10 feet of each other.

MALLORY KLAXTON: All right, I know I'm still kind of stuck here.

MARISHA: You are.

MALLORY KLAXTON: But I'm going to use my action to just-- because I'm kind of okay, I got a little out of it.

MARISHA: You've got like cover from Tavima--

MALLORY KLAXTON: All right, so I'm--

MARISHA: -- protecting you. You are still pinned, so you can't move.

MALLORY KLAXTON: I'm going to use Lightning Splash on the two that are stuck right there.

MARISHA: Okay.

MALLORY KLAXTON: I think, how many? Yeah. We got our magicka back, right, or no?

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Yeah, we got everything back.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Okay, so I'm also going to use a Power Surge with that as well.

TAVIMA: Let's go.

MALLORY KLAXTON: So let's hit both of them. They've got a DC 14 dexterity saving throw.

MARISHA: Okay. For the first one, he fails. For the second one, passes. So you do hit the far one.

MALLORY KLAXTON: So this will be fun. Where is my-- I should have thought that through. Here we go. So that one takes-- come on. Ooh. 16 points of lightning damage.

MARISHA: Oh my god.

TAVIMA: Whoa!

MARISHA: As quickly as he got there, you see lightning pierce through him and splits open the front of his chest. And he is dead.

MARISHA: Instantly fried. The other nord that was standing next to him goes, "Wha-- They've got magic!"

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Uh-oh.

TAVIMA: Yeah.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Who's he yelling at?

HOA SEN: Who's he talking to?

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Uh-oh.

MARISHA: All right.

MALLORY KLAXTON: More where that came from.

MARISHA: Hoa, you're up. Grelnok--

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Maybe he's just an expressive guy. 

HOA SEN: How far away is the enemy that's at the top of the slope still?

MARISHA: I'd say about 30 feet.

HOA SEN: Okay, well, not for much longer. I cast Swarm, so range of 60 feet on that.

MARISHA: Okay.

HOA SEN: A bunch of fetcherflies come out of my hands. More fly magic, I guess, I don't know. And they will go up to them and they have to make a DC 14 con saving throw, please.

MARISHA: Okay. Natural one.

TAVIMA: Yes! You roll like us now!

HOA SEN: Does it do double damage?

MARISHA: I do, you've poisoned me.

HOA SEN: Does it do double damage or no? Crit fail, or is that not how it works?

MARISHA: It's only critical success where you get to double your dice.

HOA SEN: Okay, well, I tried my best. So that is still 4d6. Oh my god.

MARISHA: That's still real good.

HOA SEN: Six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13 damage.

MARISHA: Amazing. Okay.

HOA SEN: They spit out fire, it's fire damage.

MARISHA: Oh, so you hear from deep, echoing in this cavern as this guy starts to be ignited from up top.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Who are the bad guys again? 

HOA SEN: We were exploring in peace.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: These are bandits.

MARISHA: And Grelnok, you're up.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Well, we came into their house.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: I'm going to run. This is not their house. I'm going to run forward to the fellow orc.

MARISHA: Okay.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Who tripped down and I'm going to warm up my hands and swing my axe and try to slam him into the big boulder that Tavima's pinned under.

MARISHA: Okay, he's standing up, and he goes--

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Go Grelnok, I love you!

MARISHA: "You're real pretty." All right, roll for attack.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I mean, go!

TAVIMA: I'm vaguely pinned, like: What?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I was overcome.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: 10 to hit.

MARISHA: Miss.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: I swing and hit the rock instead.

MARISHA: "Nice."

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Cool, cool, cool, cool. I'll, bonus action, use my claw to rake him instead.

MARISHA: Amazing. So he's being cute with you and he's like, "Nice try, cutie." Try and hit, yeah, roll again.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Come on, please. Wow.

TAVIMA: No!  Why?

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: You treated me well for a second, dice, but you're out!

MALLORY KLAXTON: Is this guy on the ground?

MARISHA: He stood up.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Okay--

MARISHA: He broke from his grapple and stood up and has moved. So yeah, he's being a douchebag and "Nice try, cutie."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Ugh, gross.

TAVIMA: Disgusting!

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: How dare you?

MARISHA: 

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: I going to kill him.

MARISHA: Slaughter, you're up.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh, okay. Lay of the land.

MARISHA: Tavima, you're on deck.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: One's dead, there's an orc, that's the one you were trying to get.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Yeah.

HOA SEN: One's on fire.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: The orc, the one's on fire was 30 feet away from us and then there's another--

MARISHA: You have another nord who hasn't been touched, yes.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Okay, just a point of order, the one who escaped from my netting, my webbing.

MARISHA: Yes.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I still believe that the webbing explodes.

MARISHA: Oh, right.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Whether they're in it or not. How far away did they get from it?

MARISHA: He just ripped it apart and then stood up. So yeah, go ahead and--

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Was he kissy facing me and it explodes on him?

MARISHA: Yeah, roll for damage.

MALLORY KLAXTON: That's a Looney Tune.

TAVIMA: I love it.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: It explodes on you, too.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: That's fine, worth it.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Okay. So it explodes and causes 2d10 poison damage.

TAVIMA: Let's go!

MARISHA: 2d10.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: That's a 10.

ALL: Ooh.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: And a three.

MARISHA: Ooh, so 13 damage.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Do I have to roll to save at all?

MARISHA: No, how does it work?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: It just happens.

MARISHA: So as this guy is being super gross and making kissy noises.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Ooh.

MARISHA: Almost like a fuse. The web from the outside starts to dissipate and turns into this poison mist that sucks right into-- in between you guys. So yeah, take 13 points of damage. But this orsimer starts coughing and starts hacking up blood as he looks up and he looks at you.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh, nice.

MARISHA: Falls over, collapses dead.

TAVIMA: Amazing!

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Great.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Sorry about that. And then for my action, I will rip my second of-- we'll say three skulls off, light it up. Come on, buddy. And I'll toss it up to the one that's already on fire.

HOA SEN: 

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: See what happens. Four. 

HOA SEN: Why can't those ever hit?!

MARISHA: Just And it just rolls back down to your feet. 

HOA SEN: Maybe try the underhand throw next time.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Like Skee-ball?

MALLORY KLAXTON: Final mini golf.

MARISHA: Yeah. Skee-ball.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Final mini golf ramp and you keep hitting it and it comes right back to you.

MARISHA: Just rolls all the way back to your feet.

MALLORY KLAXTON: All the way back, every time.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: To be fair, it was a four plus six, so 10. Still I'm assuming misses, okay.

MARISHA: It misses.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Cool.

MARISHA: Tavima, you are up, unless you have anything else you want to do.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: No, I mean, is anyone still pinned under rocks?

MALLORY KLAXTON: I'm a little pinned.

MARISHA: He's still pinned, yes.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I'll go over, I can't really do anything else, but I'll just go over and be like: Ah, well, next turn, I'm coming for you! 

TAVIMA: Amazing.

MALLORY KLAXTON: That'll do it.

MARISHA: All right, that was your move?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Yeah.

MARISHA: Okay.

TAVIMA: Okay, so orc is down nord is down. There's one nord left?

MARISHA: One nord.

TAVIMA: That snitch nord, that was like, "There's more."

MARISHA: Yes.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: And then there's another one that's up high.

MARISHA: Up in the hill.

TAVIMA: Cool. We'll take out the snitch first.

MARISHA: Okay.

TAVIMA: Backlash, pleas make a DC 15 con save.

MARISHA: I will do that. And passes.

TAVIMA: Not a problem, it's all good.

MARISHA: I'm sorry, I feel bad.

TAVIMA: Do not apologize.

MARISHA: Okay. I just want you to--

TAVIMA: I'm going to murder him regardless.

MARISHA: Yeah, murder him.

TAVIMA: Okay, then Sun Fire. I'm like: Eh? Left hand.  And we'll try the attack one, and I got a natural 20.

HOA SEN: Yeah!

MARISHA: Light him up! Double dice!

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: That's how you get the devils.

TAVIMA: All right.

MARISHA: Hell yeah.

TAVIMA: What's a d8 look like? I've never known in my life.

HOA SEN: Double pyramid.

TAVIMA: Seven, 15, 16, doubled to 32. And there's no one else around. It was just one guy by himself, right?

MARISHA: Yes, how big is the effect?

TAVIMA: It would hit another-- It would be another d6 of fire damage to any other enemy within a five-foot range.

MARISHA: Nah, nah.

TAVIMA: That's okay.

MARISHA: All right, so 32 points of fire damage.

MARISHA: Oh my god.

TAVIMA: No snitching.

MARISHA: He just goes. And as he starts to scream, he can't even finish it as the flame just pierces his throat and starts gorging inside of his body and just smoke and flame erupt out of his mouth and out of all of his orifices. And he is instantly dead, just a pile of ash.

TAVIMA: I want to spend my full movement to sprint over to him and try to get that skull before it goes down. I'm like: Hot, hot, new skull for brother. 

MARISHA: And yeah, you do.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I'll take it!

MARISHA: It's a little charred but yeah.

TAVIMA: It's still good, it's still good.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I'll just, I'll hold it with my two corn holders.

MARISHA: Oh, corn cobbers?

HOA SEN: Yes! 

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Got it, thank you.

MARISHA: Okay, he is dead. And then from the top of that-- Are you done with your turn?

TAVIMA: Fully done.

MARISHA: Thank you. You hear the man still at the top, and he goes "I'm not getting paid enough for this." And he begins to slide down the hill himself as, once again. Yeah, as he slides down the hill, he takes out another dagger. Seeing what you just did, Tavima, throws it as he's sliding down the hill for his first attack. Where's a d20? 16 to hit.

TAVIMA: Misses. Blah!

MARISHA: Dagger flies wide, and he launches off of the base of the hill. And I think-- Who was sort of close? You know what? You're still pinned. So he's going to see you as an easy target. As he flies, he's going to draw a scimitar from his back and come down with like a flying stabbing.

TAVIMA: Does he go past me to get to--

MARISHA: Well, you were back a little. Oh, but you did move forward.

TAVIMA: I ran up to go get the skull from the fresh guy.

MARISHA: I'd say you're each within five feet of each other. You're kind of right there.

TAVIMA: I just wanted to see if I could get an opportunity attack as he tries to go back to hit Mallory.

MARISHA: I'd say he's still--

TAVIMA: It's okay if not.

MARISHA: Yeah, he's within, you are now within range with him, but he is also just entering your melee range.

TAVIMA: Okay, okay, okay.

MARISHA: And he's going to come down with an attack. 16 to hit.

MALLORY KLAXTON: That hits.

MARISHA: Same thing, okay. And that is--

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Mallory!

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Everyone picks on the cook.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Yeah.

MARISHA: Oh why, terrible roll! Seven damage.

HOA SEN: Oh.

TAVIMA: Thanks, I hate it.

MARISHA: And he just three-point lands with his scimitar just right into your other shoulder that-- You already got one shoulder fucked from the bar. He goes for the other one. And then he just.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Why do you always get squished, Mallory?

HOA SEN: It's true.

TAVIMA: It does happen a lot to you.

HOA SEN: Yeah.

MALLORY KLAXTON: It's been a bad day. It's been very bad day.

MARISHA: He tilts his head up and he just makes eye contact with you still holding onto the base of the scimitar. And he just looks pissed.

TAVIMA: You're not going to get paid enough to die here.

MARISHA: Make a persuasion check.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: You're good at these.

TAVIMA: No, I'm not. 

TAVIMA: Five, that is a five. It's a five?

MARISHA: "At least I'll die with honor."

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh!

TAVIMA: You'll be dead regardless.

MARISHA: Yeah, he's not smart.

TAVIMA: Yeah.  She just smirks like, "Okay."

MARISHA: Yeah. Mallory, you're up.

MALLORY KLAXTON: I think about hitting him with a stick.  I'm like, no, I'm just going to put out my hand. Force Shock.

MARISHA: Okay.

TAVIMA: Let's go!

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Force Shock.

MARISHA: Roll to attack. Or is that one I have to save for?

MALLORY KLAXTON: That's a constitution save.

MARISHA: Okay.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Like on the ground, just a--

MARISHA: 14.

MALLORY KLAXTON: DC is 14.

MARISHA: So that saves.

MALLORY KLAXTON: That saves. That's okay, you still take... 12, still take six force damage.

MARISHA: Okay.

TAVIMA: Ooh!

MALLORY KLAXTON: And as a bonus action, I'm just going to give myself some hit points as well. So I'm going to heal.

MARISHA: Okay.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Oh, you bastard.

MARISHA: Hoa, you're on deck.

MALLORY KLAXTON: I heal for eight points. So yeah, I'm good.

MARISHA: Okay, Hoa, you're up.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Come on, Hoa!

HOA SEN: I don't appreciate all of this violence against my friends! And I just pull out my giant-ass ice staff and I go to hit with a melee attack.

MARISHA: All righty.

HOA SEN: And I use my bonus action to enhance it.

MARISHA: Okay.

HOA SEN: Holy crap, that's 18, 19, 20, 21--

MARISHA: For sure hits, for sure.

HOA SEN: The damage is 1d8 plus the 1d10. Yeah, please be good. That's a three and a seven, 10 damage.

MARISHA: Okay.

TAVIMA: Nice.

MARISHA: He gets hit, as ice starts to crawl up his arm. That the one that he has locked into, to Mallory, starts to creep up, the one he's holding.

HOA SEN: Can I stare into his eyes and say: Chill out. 

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh boy.

MARISHA: He just goes--

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh boy.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Wow.

MARISHA: "Really?"

HOA SEN: I mean, it's hot outside, so I'm actually doing you a favor. You're going to die.

MARISHA: "It's too hot outside. Just shut up!"

TAVIMA: 

MARISHA: Okay, is that your turn, Hoa?

HOA SEN: Yeah, that's her turn.

MARISHA: Grelnok, you're up.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: I'm to go up with my axe and try to hit him.

MARISHA: Do it, you got this.

TAVIMA: I believe in you.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: But with flare.

MARISHA: Vindication.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Fucking one!

MARISHA: No way! Lies!

TAVIMA: Get new kids!

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: I want to try to throw him a skull. I'm trying, but I don't know if I have enough stamina. I don't.  I don't have enough. Okay, hold on. Let me see what else I can do. Nothing. I'm going to-- I'm going to, bonus action, Hardened Armor right next to him. Just hit me. Hit me!

TAVIMA: I hate this.

MARISHA: He's acting like he's going to take it. Slaughter, you're up.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh, is this the only one left?

MARISHA: Yes.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Okay, I will use my turn to-- She seems to want--

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Oh, oh wait! Was he-- Was I-- Was I flanking?

MARISHA: I would say yes, that Tavima would be on one side of him and you would've been on the other. Roll with advantage.

HOA SEN: Yeah!

MARISHA: I want to see this happen.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Another one.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Oh wait, no, no, no! That was good! Wait! 12? No. 

MARISHA: No. 

HOA SEN: You were so excited.

TAVIMA: No!

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Hit me!

MARISHA: "Okay!"

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Sorry I skipped you.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: It's my turn?

MARISHA: It's your turn.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: All right, I'm going to spend my turn saying: There's only one way to get out of this for you. That's by hitting her.

MARISHA: "Wha--"

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: That's it.

MARISHA: "Is this like--"

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: You got to hit her.

MARISHA: "Is just a fetish thing?"

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Yes, she's into it!

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: 

MARISHA: "" Tavima, you're up. He's so confused!

TAVIMA: Are we doing this? Do you need this?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: She wants, she needs it.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: No, let him-- No, hit him.

TAVIMA: Yeah, okay. No. No, it's all you, baby girl.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: While we just stand around and I'm screaming at him.

TAVIMA: I would like to try to grapple this guy.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: You don't have the guts to hit her!

MARISHA: Okay, yeah. Make-- What, that's--

TAVIMA: Opposed strength checks.

MARISHA: Opposed strengths, yes? Okay.

TAVIMA: Cool.

MARISHA: Oh, natural one for him.

TAVIMA: I rolled a natural two, and I can't believe that worked! 

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Yes.

MALLORY KLAXTON: This is the saddest thing to watch.

MARISHA: So he's just like, looking around, doesn't-- He's really confused of what to make with it.

TAVIMA: I want to grab him by--

TAVIMA: I, like, whip around and grab him across his neck but behind him just to hoist him up and pull his body up and away so he's exposed and can't really deal with anything.

MARISHA: Okay, he starts clawing at your arm that's grappling him, just.

TAVIMA: And I squeeze just a little bit. I just want to hear a little pop before I stop and then just: Finish him. You got this, I believe in you.

MARISHA: Okay.

TAVIMA: And just hold.

MARISHA: It is his turn. He's going to try and break from his grapple. Which, how does he do that?

TAVIMA: I think it's just another.

MARISHA: Another strength check. This is getting-- I don't know, another--

TAVIMA: Here we go.

MARISHA: He rolled a three.

TAVIMA: 24.

MARISHA: Oh my god.

MALLORY KLAXTON: It's finally turning.

MARISHA: No, he's like and you can start to see his eyes dilate a little bit where it's almost like you're putting a sleeper hold on him.

TAVIMA: And I want to just whisper since we have this weird, like our heads are close to each other and go: You're going to die to a bartender.

MARISHA: "Fuck you." Mallory, you're up.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Wait, let him hit me. Shit. 

MALLORY KLAXTON: I'm just going to push the rock away so that I can.

MARISHA: Okay, make a strength or an athletics check. Whatever's highest.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Oh great, this is just-- Hey, there's a roll! That's a 17.

MARISHA: Okay, yeah, no problem. With just a little bit-- you-- What do you have, a sword? What do you use?

MALLORY KLAXTON: I have a stick.

MARISHA: You have a stick, all right, great.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: What's your--

MARISHA: You wedge your stick under and you just full-on use it like a lever and just push against it and it rolls off.

MALLORY KLAXTON: All right, now I'm just use my bonus action to to key up my staff just in case we need to-- I'm just getting a nice clean.

MARISHA: Okay, you're winding up?

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Golf swing.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Yeah, readying my golf swing.

MARISHA: Great. Hoa.

HOA SEN: I lock eyes with Grelnok. I also believe in you.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Oh god.

HOA SEN: And I'm also flanking.

MARISHA: Grelnok.

HOA SEN: We are here to help you grow as a person and become better friends.

MARISHA: 

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: This is somehow much lamer than I thought it would be. 

MARISHA: Grelnok, it's your turn.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: What if I miss him?

MALLORY KLAXTON: This is going to be great.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: I get advantage because--

MARISHA: You are flanking and he is grappled.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Dear--

MALLORY KLAXTON: 

TAVIMA: Like double advantage.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Snake eyes.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Okay, okay, okay.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Okay, okay.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: So 20 to hit, that's 20 to hit.

MARISHA: It definitely hits.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Okay. Who's rolled more than a one? Here we go. Oh god! That's 16 points of slashing damage.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Whoa!

MARISHA: Grelnok, how do you want to do this?

TAVIMA: Yeah!

HOA SEN: Finally.

MARISHA: Like whacking a piñata.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Swing the axe really pathetically because I'm surrounded by everyone.

MARISHA: Yeah, it's close quarters.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Bunt the axe into his stomach as a single tear falls down out of my eye.

MARISHA: The back end of your handle of your axe hits the boulder that was just on Mallory. And it prevents you from getting a full swing, but it's just enough. You hit him just right in this exposed spleen shots right there to just lands right under his rib cage. And already having a hard time being grappled by Tavima he just, and just, the light just goes out in his eyes and he goes limp.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Thanks, guys.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh, that was crazy! So good!

TAVIMA: I'm proud of you!

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh, you did it!

MALLORY KLAXTON: Yay.

TAVIMA: Yeah.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Yeah! It was so-- Wha! Ah!

HOA SEN: Great.

TAVIMA: You just got to get the blade wet a little bit, and then it picks up.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: I'm going to leave the blood on the axe this time, I'm not going to clean it.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: So much blood!

HOA SEN: Yeah!

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: So good!

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: Do you want this? Do you want this skull?

TAVIMA: Ooh!

HOA SEN: Ooh, a twist off.

TAVIMA: Did you just snap off his skull?!

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: It's attached to the rest of its body.

GRELNOK NIGHTBRINGER: I just twisted it off.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Oh wow!

TAVIMA: That was genuinely cool.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: That's amazing, yes, I'll take it, I guess I should, I mean, it's a whole--

MALLORY KLAXTON: -- which direction to close it. I didn't know you could open it.

MARISHA: Yeah. Lefty loosey.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: I'm going to start shucking it, I guess. I just need the skull, I don't need the hair or the skin or anything.

MALLORY KLAXTON: Oh boy, we're going there.

MARISHA: With your all's questionable victory, we're going to take a break. 

MALLORY KLAXTON: I want to rifle through some pockets.

MARISHA: We will be back very shortly to rifle through some pockets. See you soon.

SLAUGHTER GRIMM: Woo hoo!

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