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-Dear Grammar nazis and lore nazis-

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delete this thread

Fugu23's picture
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in my dreams, its me. im the champion.

And then I came like great god king of the lame and tore open a portal in the

        sky where the angels came and defeated Kezzora. And then I was like "Nevermore shall you trouble the people of this land. Aman." I gave AltoAngelo a wicked high-five that could be heard for hundreds of miles and the people rejoiced for they knew their salvation was here. Then me and

AltoAngelo went on an adventure where we had to kill all of the enemies from the void (oh btw my name is like Cheruba) and Nessarn and Cheruba got great estates from the people from which they could have more adventures of saga.

I'll add some laters--

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snip

Jeroic's picture
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 ... I don't want to say this to be mean, but should I list the spelling errors first, or the TES lore errors first? And within that, should I list them chronologically or alphabetically? Further, should I just list the biggest ones and wait for your revision, or overwhelm you with all of it at once?

Welcome to writing. 

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snip

 

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why are you here

Jeroic's picture
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Well then, in that case while normally crossing lore or ignoring it is a pet peeve of mine, I will start with grammatical errors and other writing missteps. I'll color my corrections red for your convenience. After all, your own taste is fine but if you share it expect criticism. As much as I love Cormac McCarthy's The Road I still hold his switching person against him, whatever reason he did it for.

AltoAngelo wrote:

I will tell a story here, the story goes by an This sentence just stops.

legendary (Capitalize start of sentence) Guardien Guardian angel who has sworn to protect his kingdom: Nessarn Kingdom (Clunkily written, perhaps "Nessarn Kingdom, the land of his birth?" Also, this sentence is poorly structured A "There was once" or somesuch at the start would be nice).
HighAltoAngelo's childhood was not easy because he was born in the small poor village (What smal poor village? Also, if he were a half-Angel, Half-Dragon, how would his childhood be hard? His parents would likely be worshipped as gods! Also, cliche and author avataring). 
his mother was an angel and his father was an dragon, but then that (Line breaks, no capitalization, the parantage seems to be an excuse to give the character power without earning it. All my further corrections will be at the bottom).
mad man came, that mad man was: Kazzora, Dremora that came through a an oblivion gate
to destroy that village,then his mother and father was killed by Kazzora
in the village,also Kazzora was not alone, Kazzora had an avatar at his side
an Balrog,that Balrog feasted on every life it could find in the village
not a single life was left only except a young boy who did successful hide
in a well there he hided till it was all over, and when he saw the village then
he run to his mother and father house, when he came to the house, then then
it was not anything left everything was torn to shred the boy said:
''I will have my revenge..... I will not let that evil man be alive.... (sounds odd, narm)''
''I...I I....'' then he cried out in pain up to the sky asking for an
holy blessing, then he waited for 10 min then a light ray struck him
the light told him this:
'Do not give up. You will have the power to destroy Kazzora''
''But you must swear an oath to the great one first''
''You must purge great evil''
''You must destroy every foul thing''
''You must help and heal the helpless''
''You must not give up''
Then the boy remained in silence....
Then after that he said:
''Then I will do as the great one has told me to do''
The light said:
''Good, now hear these words''
''kajs osp terh saut emta kagt esto erm egks''
Then the boy felt and strong power inside him.....
Then he went blackout....
After that he awakes in a snowy land....
That was how he became an guardien angel...

the rumors says that an guardien angel seeks to kill the evil mage dremora that try to resurrect an great evil guardien that will rise upp an army of souless evil death knights and also an army of undead beasts and skeletons,now the guardien angel must go out in the world to defend the pplz (Unacceptable) of nessarn kingdom from the evil void, defend them from the the evil mage dremora: kazzora and hes great evil beasts
 

 

Okay, so you have an Obviously Evil, unmotivated villain who is evil because he's evil and crazy, a Mary Sue protagonist, tortured prose, no lore or consistency to speak of. Lots of elipses near the end, random power, really random everything. Spelling and grammatical errors beyond my willingness to count. This even aside from my pet peeve of lore-crossing and lore-breaking that basically says you don't have the care to accept the boundaries of the world you've chosen to write in, it's just plain bad. 

The solution is to practice. A lot. I was bad a while ago too. Writing is an unending process of trying for self-betterment because of brutal, seemingly heartless criticism that really only means people care enough to see you improve.

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This story would be more interesting with flaming lizards. So I'm adding them.

---

The journeys of the Holding Tenor Angel, another of those guardians who had not much better to do with their divine powers than kill demons and wander roads, finally came along a small crack in the mental crevices of the world mind he had been captured by, and managed to slip through. In its rage, however, it sent him flying across the meta-cosmos, which often would pass by concepts and thoughts, in addition to the occasional concrete reality that somehow slipped into a person's brains.

Finally, after having avoided the mind's focus long enough, he was forgotten, and able to slip back into concrete reality. Luckily for him, he had stumbled upon where he had been meaning to reach: the origin point of his next lesson. Below him lay yet another world, resting below its flaming red and green star. From off of the planet could be seen a large structure jutting in the direction of the star. The jut itself was hard to identify by color, as it seemed composed of a variety of materials. The planet itself was confusing, with green patches laying along it cut off abruptly by what seemed to be huge, wide canals and strips leading down into lakes and rivers of magma.

Holding Tenor Angel, who found after having avoided music class for years he likely didn't deserve that name, descended towards where the increasingly patchwork-like structure lay. Upon landing near it, he realized it was still being added to, as it was surrounded by flaming snakes.

They aren't dragons though.

---

He came near their leader, distinguished by the fact his flames were prettier. He also had a crown, but this is irrelevant. The Holding Tenor Angel(his name and a title, the latter being caused by a self-promoting group, the former by self-humiliating parents) approached this leader and requested of him what it was his people were attempting to do.

Normally, it would be impossible for them to understand each other, but guardians have a convenient plot device to speak to other people, so the shaman king hochmeister said, "We plan to build a bridge. We gather the bones of our ancestors and the rock of our planet, and with it we plan to work our way towards the Sun, and connect our planet with it."

"I assume some sort of paradise exists on its surface?" Tenor helpfully suggested.

"No, fool," the hochmeister helpfully rebuked, "we plan to connect the two so that we can slay the great space fish which devours the moons of our systems. Soon, he shall control the tides of our worlds, and we must be able to have a flame great enough to slay his vast seas of power." He pointed outwards, to the sky. "You can see him now!"

And so it was. A great fish could be seen almost lazily devouring the moons of a distant planet. As he did so, it could be seen that the waters of the distant world were being pulled up to the great underwater spacedweller. It then started to swim elsewhere, and in the distance behind him could be seen the Solar Wizard, though he's unimportant now.

Holding then turned back to his holiness the cardinal shaman duke, and asked him for knowledge. He looked at him carefully, and then went on to give the following, which by another convenient plot device were written down:

"Don't post fan fictions or individual writings in a forum created for collaborative writing. Many people find this to be an awful idea, and if you can't take the ten seconds to figure it out, will take it as an opportunity to mess with what you were trying to do. If you're a spammer, it tends to be worse, but at least attempt to find the correct section."

Holding Tenor Angel listened for a moment to this interesting piece of wisdom, and then looked up at the flaming lizard prophetic khagan moghul. "But how does this apply to me and my quest?" He asked, suddenly feeling very confused, out of place, and overall unimportant.

The Lizard Shaman then glanced down at him with a snort. "You idiot, you don't actually matter. The gods of this world created you as a convenient plot device, just like almost everything else. Except, perhaps, my people, as we just happen to be a little interesting. If you ceased to exist, no one would actually care." At this moment, Holding Tenor Angel, by the last convenient plot device I'll use, did vanish.

At this, the ruler of the flaming lizard people then broke the fourth wall and said, "Go away so we can build our imaginary bridges in our imaginary world. Dang concrete viewers. Tenor never seemed to realize he didn't actually escape that meta-cosmos, because he belonged there as much as us." He sat there, almost seeming like he was reflecting, but then simply said, "Leave, the story's over."

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snip

Jeroic's picture
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AltoAngelo wrote:

well i can understand that you dont like the lore of my char yes

well like i sayd it's my own lore of my char

and he's not evil ,he may have some evil power,but that will not make him an vilian

but for the most part his on the good side

so, if you dont like the story that i writed,fine it's ok but please i like to keep out hash comments

 

Then you should definitely reconsider showing your writing to the public. Aside from which, you can't say that a character is good or evil, you need to show them being good or evil, which entails more than a cliched "tragic backstory cross vengeance tripe" leading up to a narmy and poorly written regurgitation of every other cliche fantasy revenge plot.

 

EDIT: "Hash" =/= "Harsh." Not by a longshot. In fact, most of the post was a mangling of the language.

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snip

Jeroic's picture
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AltoAngelo wrote:

i can explain

well this story you have seen here

is based on my machinima

it's calld: your path

-

 

well that explains much of it eh ^^

Saw it, sucked just as bad. 

 

I'm trying to get the point across while leaving no room for incorrect interpretations. Unfortunately, in this case it requires me to be rather brutal. For example, if you want to write, learning how to spell basic English words would probably be beneficial.

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admin and moderator please remove this thread iam living this site

Jeroic's picture
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I'mma drunk-archive this stuff for my own amusement, just in case it is deleted. 

Someday you may thank me.

Jeroic's picture
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I'mma drunk-archive this stuff for my own amusement, just in case it is deleted. 

Someday you may thank me.

 

EDIT:

 

Almost forgot how much I loved Q's fire-lizards. So I archived them too, since they're also present in Markasia, albeit not yet seen.

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Xarxes' aching fingers, what was that?