Crafting Motif 91: Hazardous Alchemy Style

To be fabricated precisely to the exacting standards of the unmatched genius Arkasis!

Stone Garden proves to be an ideal location to conduct my experiments undisturbed by the average—by an astonishingly low statistical mode—inhabitants of this bumpkin land. However, it also drastically limits my access to expendable workers. To address the rate of attrition of my now limited supply of assistants, I have developed protective equipment that should reduce unnecessary fatalities and outlast the typical tenure of these peons by a factor of ten.

I require a heavy range of axes to facilitate vivisection of larger specimens. The curvature of the blade is ideal for flensing and the degree of angle allows for effective scraping of viscera off surfaces and out of corners.

DO NOT REMOVE OR INTERCHANGE BUCKLES YOU MORONS! They are precisely formed to provide optimum balance and tension for the entire protective ensemble. I do not care if they dig into your oafish bellies!

I had to invent a new tanning process to ensure proper saturation of elementally resistant formulas into the mucus membranes of the durzog-stomach leather, but these rubbery boots will withstand many of the rigors of my research.

Precise alignment of the layered alloy bands allows for the maximum application of force. Even the slightest deviation will drastically reduce efficiency SO STOP WHIPPING THE BRISTLEBACKS WITH THEM!

Nightly application of my specialized leather conditioner and metal waxes will provide an exceptional barrier against corrosives and insulation. And no more complaining about the fumes! They are far less harmful than the alternative.

I have shaped these blades into an oversized facsimile of my own precision razors so that some of you clumsy, sausage-fingered oafs might develop enough skill to handle a more delicate instrument.

Your daily-use gloves will prevent medium-duty burning, freezing, melting, laceration, amputation, electrocution, and splinters in the absence of specialized equipment. DO NOT CLEAN WITH LYE!

The high-density fiber masks I provided ARE MANDATORY and easily fit all uniform cowls and headgear. They are tailor made to filter harmful airborne materials and prevent contamination of my equipment from whatever filth you excrement eating dim-wits dribble from your slack jaws.

These specially treated leather aprons provide coverage based upon the reams of droplet trajectory data I have accumulated from your countless, idiotic predecessors’ ability to spill mixtures into their laps.

The mass of these heat-treated alloys is suitable for chiseling demolition and metalwork. The flanges are not for show! They are there to conduct impact vibrations away from you and keep you from smacking yourselves in the face like nitwits.

I precisely calculated the angles of this shield to deflect forces away from your bodies when wielded correctly. DO NOT PLUCK AT THE VIBRATION FLANGES TO MAKE YOUR BUMPKIN MUSIC OR I WILL CONDUCT RESONANCE TESTING ON YOUR SKULL!

No, I will not make the pauldrons bigger like your ancestors’. These are streamlined to provide the maximum protection with the least obstruction of movement and vision. If you must marvel in envy at things larger than your own, you may start with my brain.

The few of you with a shred of magical talent will find this staff ideally suited to the efficient conduction of Magicka and Dwemer tonal harmonics. Do not lean on it.

I have provided these blades with a number of curved cutting angles, a gut hook, and a flat side for bracing. They are appropriate for parchment cutting, textiles, woodworking, and kitchen duty. Get to work you lazy parasites!

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