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Humor

Humor of the Wood Elves

Author: 
Telenger the Artificer

Collected by Telenger the Artificer

Vulkwasten, widely known for its fermented beverages, is home to some of the friendliest Bosmer I've ever met. Like most of their kind, they are industrious and get along well with most people. After completing research into their brewing methods, I stayed overnight with a local family.

As a historian, I realize one can learn much about a culture by studying its humor. Therefore, I copied down several of their witticisms for future examination. Perhaps by considering their amusements, we will gain further insight into the mind of the Bosmer.

A skeleton walks into the tavern and says, "I'd like some rotmeth. And a mop."

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It was dead.

Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.

Person One: Ask me if I'm a tree.
Person Two: Are you a tree?
Person One: No.

Q. Which side of a raven has the most feathers?
A. The outside.

Q. What has three heads, is ugly, and smells?
A. My mistake! You don't have three heads!

Q. What's light as a feather, but cannot be held for very long?
A. Breath.

Q. Imagine your boat's sinking in slaughterfish-infested waters. How do you survive?
A. Stop imagining!

Q. Why do thunderbugs eat raw meat?
A. They never learned to cook.

Q. Why do bees buzz?
A. Because they can't whistle.

The Red Book of Riddles

Author: 
Anonymous

This handye booke doth containe alle diverse manner of riddles and follyes, and, by means of carefulle studye, the prudente scholarlye gentlemane maye finde himselfe noe longer discomfited by the sharpe wite of his fellowes.

The posing and puzzling of riddles is a convention of polite aristocratic Western society. Nobles and social aspirants collect books of riddles and study them, hoping thereby to increase the chances of their appearing sly and witty in conversation.

The question:
It has a tail, a side and a head
I call it what I call a snake
It has no body and it is dead

The answer:
It must be a drake

The question:
Poets know the hearts of Men and Mer
But beasts can't know my heart, you see
This book was written by a bear

The answer:
It is not a book of poetry.

The question:
I gave you a sock, not unlike a box
With hammers and nails all around it
Two lids open when it knocks

The answer:
It must have been a great hit.

The Yellow Book of Riddles

Author: 
Waughin Jarth

For earnest pleasure, and the strengthening of the mind, the author here collects all that he has learned of the art of riddling, by dint of diligent study, and through years of discourse with others of similar inclination.

[[The posing and puzzling of riddles is a convention of polite aristocratic Western society. Nobles and social aspirants collect books of riddles and study them, hoping thereby to increase the chances of their appearing sly and witty in conversation.]]

A metal neither black nor red
As heavy as man's golden greed
What you do to stay ahead
With friend or arrow or steed

dael :rewsnA ehT

A man says, "If you lie to me I will slay you with my sword. If you tell me the truth, I will slay you with a spell." What must you say to stay alive?

.drows a htiw em yals lliw uoY :rewsnA ehT

A Bosmer, was slain. The Altmer claims the Dunmer is guilty. The Dunmer says the Khajiit did it. The Orc swears he didn't kill the Bosmer. The Khajiit says the Dunmer is lying. If only one of these speaks the truth, who killed the Bosmer?

crO ehT :rewsnA ehT

The Blue Book of Riddles

Author: 
Anonymous

Herein are presented all manner of riddles, as collected by the scholars of St Rilms, to the greater glory of the Tribunal, Almsivi!

[The posing and puzzling of riddles is a convention of polite aristocratic Western society. Nobles and social aspirants collect books of riddles and study them, hoping thereby to increase the chances of their appearing sly and witty in conversation.]

Jokes

Author: 
Butha Sunhous

"How is your wife," asked Zalither. "She's in bed with laryngitis," replied Harlyth. "Is that Argonian bastard back in town again?"


"I keep seeing spots before my eyes." "Have you seen a healer?" "No, just spots."


A big Nord named Julgen was set on by a gang of thieves. He fought them furiously, but in the end, they beat him into semiconsciousness. They searched his pockets and discovered that he only had three gold pieces on him.

"Do you mean to tell us you fought us like a mad lupe for three lousy gold pieces?" sneered one of the thieves.

"No," answered Julgen. "I was afraid you were after the four hundred gold pieces in my boot."


During the War of Betony, the Bretons in the Isle of Craghold were under siege for several days. After the island was liberated, Lord Bridwell found the ruins of the castle where a crowd of survivors were hidden away in the dark. It was going to be a difficult job freeing them, as part of the roof had collapsed trapping them all within. Bridwell stuck his head in the only opening and shouted to the Bretons below: "Are there any expectant mothers down there?"

"It's hard to say, your Lordship," said a young woman. "We've only been down here for a few days."


An elderly Breton met with an contemporary of his at a guild meeting. "Harryston, old man, I wanted to express my sympathy. I hear that you buried your wife last week."

"Had to, old boy," replied Harryston. "Dead, you know."


Why was the Sentinel army so useless during the War of Betony?

The cannons were too heavy, so all three garbage scows sunk.


What does a new Sentinel private learn first as a combat technique?

How to retreat.


What is the thinnest book in the world?

Redguard Heroes of the War of Betony.


A Dark Elf man killed his wife after catching her making love with another man. When the magistrate asked him why he killed her instead of her lover, the man replied, "I considered it better to kill one woman than a different man every week."


A Dark Elf woman was being shown around Daggerfall. When she was shown the magnificent Castle Daggerfall, she smiled sweetly to her guild and whispered, "It reminds me of sex."

"That's odd," said her guild. "Why does our Castle Daggerfall remind you of sex?"

The Dark Elf sighed, "Everything does."


Yelithah told Vathysah that she was having dinner with a Dark Elf named Morleth that night.

"I hear he's an animal," said Vathysah. "He'll rip your dress right off you."

"Thank you for telling me," said Yelithah, "I'll be sure to wear an old dress."


How do separate sailors in the Khajiiti navy?

With a hammer and tongs.


"This orchard has sentimental value to me," said Mojhad, the Khajiit, to his friend, Hasillid. "Under that tree, for example, is where I first made love. And that tree, is where her mother stood, watching us."

"She watched you while you made love to her daughter?" said Hasillid, clearly impressed. "Didn't she say anything?"

"Meow."


What do you call a Wood Elf who doesn't lie or cheat or steal?

A dead Wood Elf.